THE JO-TEL … illegal blog downfield

The correct answer to this question, as posed by the Le Tigre song of the same name, is now: who cares, none of his movies made the AFI 100 Years 100 Movies list! Suckers! No Cassavettes to be found of the old AFI list (2002) or the new and improved list, recently revealed on some thing called “television”. “I like movies,” I said to myself, “why not comment on each movie on the list?” “That’s a good idea,” said the devil. And so this post came to be.

1. Citizen Kane 1941.

Great. But compared to other mammoth films, this one relies more on historical interest.

2. The Godfather (1972)

Deserves to be in the Top 10. Epic adaptations do not get better.

3. Casablanca (1942)

Classic status warranted. Great dialogue, great atmosphere, Bogart is a motherfucking badass.

4. Raging Bull 1980.

DeNiro is like a frayed wire in this one. Fat LaMotta at the end makes this maybe the best performance in history. Boxing scenes are breathtakingly visceral. (Jumpted from 54 to 4!)

5. Singin’ in the Rain (1952)

Sucks.

6. Gone With the Wind (1939)

Sucks.

7. Lawrence of Arabia (1962)

Great for the desert visuals, for the performance of Olivier, and for the historical accuracy. Not great for Alex Guiness playing an Saudi king.

8. Schindler’s List (1993)

No one has ever seen this movie twice.

9. Vertigo (1958)

Very good, but overrated film. Why? Because it’s boring at times. Take away the psychological angle and all you’ve got is some cool SF scenery.

10. The Wizard of Oz (1939)

Synchs up with Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon.

11. City Lights (1931)

Never seen it.

12. The Searchers (1956)

For the most part, a masterpiece. Visually stunning (filmed in Monument Valley — duh), and cool John Wayne performance, but the end is a bit tempid.

13. Star Wars (1977)

If you can cleanse your mind of the digital background dinos and Jabba the Hut that Lucas added for the special editions, the original is still amazing.

14. Psycho (1960)

Eh.

15. 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968)

The “Jupiter and Beyond the Infinite” section synchs with Pink Floyd’s “Echoes”.

[Click below to read the rest of the list]

16. Sunset Blvd. (1950)

I think Gloria Swanson looks hot in this one - in a strange, old, withered way. Patsy disagrees.

17. The Graduate (1967)

Some interesting direction and great performance by Anne Bancroft, but mostly of historical worth.

18. The General (1927)

Great, really great, until I fall asleep 45 minutes in. Every time.

19. On the Waterfront (1954)

Liked it a lot when I first saw it. Upon second viewing, couldn’t stomach the Christian allegory ending. Elie Kazan was a dick.

20. It’s a Wonderful Life (1946)

Dumb.

21. Chinatown (1974)

Possibly the greatest movie ever made.

22. Some Like It Hot (1959)

Really really really really really not funny at all.

23. The Grapes of Wrath (1940)

Pretty good adaption. Grafted-on Tom Joad speech is the only happy reworking of depressing source material that has ever worked in the history of cinema.

24. E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial (1982)

It’s sad when E.T. is dying.

25. To Kill a Mockingbird (1962)

The best family movie ever made. Atticus is the shit.

26. Mr. Smith Goes to Washington (1939)

Sucks.

27. High Noon (1952)

Movie takes places in real time. So does life.

28. All About Eve (1950)

Good, well made, but I never enjoy watching it.

29. Double Indemnity (1944)

Perfect film noir by the numbers by the most consistant director of the 40’s (Billy Wilder).

30. Apocalypse Now (1979)

A force of nature.

31. The Maltese Falcon (1941)

Overrated early John Hustom film noir.

32. The Godfather, Part II (1974)

The more I watch, the more unnecessary it feels aside from the DeNiro flashbacks. Well done, obviously, but was it needed??

33. One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest (1975)

Pure, unadulterated Nicholson.

34. Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs (1937)

Historical value. Good for kids and retards.

35. Annie Hall (1977)

Woody Allen’s best. The high-water mark for romantic comedies.

36. The Bridge on the River Kwai (1957)

Major pacing problems. But Alec Guiness at his best other than as Obi-wan.

37. The Best Years of Our Lives (1946)

This singer named Victoria Williams opened for M. Ward and she was mind-alteringly horrible and was only allowed to perform because she has M.S. and that’s sad. Hip E. and Johnny D liked her, which is a testamant to their inability to dislike an opening band. This movie is like Victoria Williams.

38. The Treasure of the Sierra Madre (1948)

Hump as a bad guy. Another well-filmed movie (Huston again). Too bad I never really enjoy it.

39. Dr. Strangelove 1964.

On some days, this is Kubrick’s best. The whole Madrake gamey leg thing was written in because Sellars hurt his leg. Natch.

40. The Sound of Music (1965)

Bleh.

41. King Kong (1933)

You’ve heard of this one right. Big monkey, escapes its captors, destroys New York looking for a broad, directored by Peter Jackson.

42. Bonnie and Clyde (1967)

OMG it’s so violent!!!! -1967

OMG it sucks!!!! -2007

43. Midnight Cowboy 1969.

Great, great acting by Hoffman as Ratso Rizzo. His best role by far. Not so much for poor John Voight. But still a great flick. Hey I’m walking here!

44. The Philadelphia Story (1940)

Romantic comedy schlock is still romantic comedy schlock even when it came out 77 years ago.

45. Shane (1953)

What the hell is up with people liking this movie. It blows. Jack Palance, as the bad guy, gets ready for his role in City Slickers .

46. It Happened One Night 1934.

Um, it’s fair to say that Mae West showing leg and Clark Gable appearing in undershirt only are not as interesting today as in 1934. Neat historical value though. If you’re into that sort of thing.

47. A Streetcar Named Desire (1951)

Stagey.

48. Rear Window 1954.

Hitchcock’s best.

49. Intolerance (1916)

If you liked Birth of a Nation, you’ll LOVE Intolerance!

50. The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001)

I’d go so far as to say that this movie and the whole series is/are bad solely because too many people yell “FRODO!” over and over. Seriously.

51. “West Side Story,” 1961.

I love this one. Especially the homo-tension injected by Robbins! My favorite musical.

52. “Taxi Driver,” 1976.

This one might be screenwriter Paul Schroeder’s masterpiece. A remake of The Searchers, nothing can touch its strange depravity.

53. “The Deer Hunter,” 1978.

Pacing problems. Some great scenes, but basically just a coming-out party for Walken.

54. “M-A-S-H,” 1970.

There are only a few thing in the world better than M*A*S*H. And none of them are called Nashville.

55. “North by Northwest,” 1959.

Solid Hitchcock.

56. “Jaws,” 1975.

Good. Whatever.

57. “Rocky,” 1976.

Good. Whatever.

58. “The Gold Rush,” 1925.

Never seen it. I should probably watch some Chaplin movies I guess.

59. “Nashville,” 1975.

I can’t make it past all the country music.

60. “Duck Soup,” 1933.

Love it. Harpo steals the shows with his neck-tie cutting antics.

61. “Sullivan’s Travels,” 1941.

Great movie and unusually underappreciated. Recent addition to the list. Coen brothers took the title “O Brother Where Art Thou” from this movie in order to make one of the stupidest movies in recent memory.

62. “American Graffiti,” 1973.

Pretty good. But overrated for anyone younger than 45.

63. “Cabaret,” 1972.

Never seen it. Stars Lyza Manelli.

64. “Network,” 1976.

Smart comedy. Not 100 best though. Features the unavoidable “I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take this anymore” line. Did you hear that people? In the movie he says, “I’m not going to take THIS anymore.” Not “IT anymore”.

65. “The African Queen,” 1951.

Let me shit on Huston (as director) once more. It stinks. Leeches scene not enough to save it.

66. “Raiders of the Lost Ark,” 1981.

Great movie that ruined movies for the next 26 years.

67. “Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?”, 1966.

Dear Movie Critics,
Please stop considering this movie great on account of the fitting off-screen drama between Taylor and Burton. Who cares.

Sincerely, Shark

68. “Unforgiven,” 1992.

Not that great. But good. Historical value as Clint undermines the stereotypes of his own Westerns. Yay!

69. “Tootsie,” 1982.

Funny. Give it a chance.

70. “A Clockwork Orange,” 1971.

This is probably that ballsiest movie ever. Kubrick is the man though and pulls it off amazingly.

71. “Saving Private Ryan,” 1998.

I REALLY don’t like this movie. Mainly because it’s too sensationalistic. But also because it overshadowed the ridiculously vastly superior Thin Red Line, released the same year.

72. “The Shawshank Redemption,” 1994.

Our generation’s Casablanca.

73. “Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid,” 1969.

Yuppies LOVE this movie.

74. “The Silence of the Lambs,” 1991.

I’m going to go ahead and say this movie deserves the acclaim if not just because Demme uses “Hip Priest” by The Fall during that scene with Buffalo Bill.

75. “In the Heat of the Night,” 1967.

Made the list because of affirmative action.

76. “Forrest Gump,” 1994.

Pretty good for kids, except for all the scenes about sex, violent death, racism, and drug addiction.

77. “All the President’s Men,” 1976.

I don’t know what to say. I mean, I’ve seen this one obviously. I just don’t know what to say.

78. “Modern Times,” 1936.

Again. Chaplin. Never seen it.

79. “The Wild Bunch,” 1969.

Sam Peckinpaw was a drunk badass.

80. “The Apartment, 1960.

Shirley Maclaine looks hot as the damaged office fling. Careful, this one’s got heart!

81. “Spartacus,” 1960.

Kubrick directs, but does not write or produce. He does what he can. Modern action directors should study the fight scenes to see a vastly superior alternative to kinetic editing.

82. “Sunrise,” 1927.

Very hard to come by silent, F.W. Murnau black and white — oh who am I kidding, none of you are still reading.

83. “Titanic,” 1997.

Do I need to even tell you that this movie is overrated schlock? Plus, Kate Winslet nudity can be seen on the internet without have to watch the ponderous remainder of the movie.

84. “Easy Rider,” 1969.

This one is legitimately low budget. It doesn’t really come alive, though, until Nicholson and the acid-trip scenes.

85. “A Night at the Opera,” 1935.

My favorite Marx Brothers movie.

86. “Platoon,” 1986.

It’s good, if you like traumatic realism.

87. “12 Angry Men,” 1957.

This one snuck on the list. Movies in the 50s pretty much blew.

88. “Bringing Up Baby,” 1938.

Patsy’s favorite. It’s a very enjoyable screwball comedy.

89. “The Sixth Sense,” 1999.

Aside for a few over-the-top moments of melodrama, this one might actually deserve to be on the list!

90. “Swing Time,” 1936.

Do you like to watch people dance? If so, check this out. If not, check out Sudden Death starring Jean-Claude van Damme.

91. “Sophie’s Choice,” 1982.

What the hell.

92. “Goodfellas,” 1990.

The only problem with this movie is that its greatness is so obvious, making it slightly uninteresting for film nerds.

93. “The French Connection,” 1971.

Great car chase. Everything else is a suck-fest.

94. “Pulp Fiction,” 1994.

Reinvigorated modern movies. Has even aged well. Which is surprising.

95. “The Last Picture Show,” 1971.

Pretty boring, I’ll be honest. But valuable for making me realize that Peter Bogdanovich was more than just that dude with glasses on the special features of EVERY MOVIE EVER RELEASED TO DVD.

96. “Do the Right Thing,” 1989.

See, this movie should have made the list even without affirmative action. Which is why affirmative action is bad.

97. “Blade Runner,” 1982.

This is visceral sci-fi. The characters seem to be struggling to overcome the amazing environs. Sci-fi has never been filmed so accurately (we’ll call 2001, a “space film”, even though that sounds stupid).

98. “Yankee Doodle Dandy,” 1942.

Snore.

99. “Toy Story,” 1995.

I do think that this one will be sort of like Snow White in the future. First Pixar animation. Well down, nostaglic value. Sure.

100. “Ben-Hur,” 1959.

This movie is legitimately bad.