Wish I knew what that meant. Hey, my first shitty post! The key is expectations. As in, they must be kept at a minimum. As for a disclaimer, most of my future posts will probably revolve around .gif files. Probably also me complaining about stuff. Stupid shit annoys me.
The motive behind this prestigious appointment is unknown to me. I do not live in San Francisco, I do not always think I am the funniest person in the room (even though I’m clearly in the Top 5), I think a lot of indie bands are really, really shitty no matter how obscure they are, and I think Arrested Development is only a marginally funny show.
So clearly, the root idea of this membership had to be based on some idea of diversity, or some sort of blogger affirmative action. As I am not a damned dirty hippie, I have never pooped in the shower, I have never taken dozens of pictures of prepubescent relatives, if I had told people I would give them thoughts on New Orleans ……. I would have given them thoughts on New Orleans, and, having perfect comedic timing when it comes to making a small weiner joke– it is the only conclusion that makes any semblance of sense.
Some things about me:
- That’s What She Said” is one of the greatest jokes ever created.
- My wife is in Thailand right now. She flew into BANGCOCK. Her name is The Goose. She will, much to her chagrin, become a part of this blog as well for her impeccable ability at unintentional comedy. See “Quote of the Week” post below.
- I have never been naked in a bar. Pants around the ankles doesn’t count.
- I have taken a dump in my backyard. Twice.
- I peed my pants at a professional sporting event.
- I believe Jim Beam is the greatest liquid ever made.
- I do not find Kirsten Dunst attractive. She looks like a Garbage Pail kid.
- I don’t read fiction books.
- I am addicted to Orville Redenbachers Movie Theatre Butter popcorn.
- I really, really, really like stupid t-shirts.
- I have never touched wieners with another dude. However, I have engaged in, and emerged victorious numerous sword fights.
- I have the male equivalent of a visit from Aunt Flo approximately once every three months.
- “Hey Hey We’re the Monkees” is my favorite Beatles song.
- I like the cut of my own jib. People say I remind them of Greg from Real World Hollywood.
- The key to long-term masturbation success is not in the material, but in the periodic switching of hands.
- I am going to have to admit that the Ghey Buckle Shoes have gotten less ghey over the years. But, still ghey.
- I had a curious addiction to Polish Sausages. After intense outpatient therapy, the addiction has since been curbed. For now.
- I once admitted to liking the movie Armageddon. I have since seen the error of my ways, but every day I still feel ashamed.
-Turd
18 responses so far ↓
Deepa // Jun 16, 2008 at 4:26 pm
You also pretty much only pando out movie scores.
Linda // Jun 16, 2008 at 4:46 pm
Catching up on the Jo-Tel after a forced internet vacation, I was laughing delighted memory chuckles (”I have never taken dozens of pictures of prepubescent relatives”) but then I was suddenly sad and uncomfortable (”I have the male equivalent of a visit from Aunt Flo approximately once every three months.”)
Shark // Jun 16, 2008 at 5:39 pm
He likes a big, incorrectly programed font size.
Turd // Jun 16, 2008 at 6:43 pm
I don’t get it. The font looks exactly the same as the other posts.
Hip E. // Jun 16, 2008 at 10:45 pm
Turd couldn’t finish that second to last sentence because it’s hard to type with a huge polish sausage lodged in your gullet.
Linda, I was also curious about that one.
Load // Jun 17, 2008 at 10:16 am
Wow, I don’t know what to say. I would have to say this is flattering considering the lack of material I have produced in the last year coupled with the mediocre content I spewed out before that. I will do my best to… wait….Awwww Shit! This is the fucking comments section isn’t it?!?!
Load // Jun 17, 2008 at 10:36 am
say say say say
/say
baldwin residence! // Jun 17, 2008 at 11:54 am
(”I have the male equivalent of a visit from Aunt Flo approximately once every three months.”)
Translation: he turns into a raging a-hole for approximately 2-3 days, for no explicable reason. there is a serious hamster up his a*s. no one is exempt, so just ignore whatever vile crap comes out of his mouth. the next week he’ll get drunk and apologize.
love you turd!
Linda // Jun 17, 2008 at 12:54 pm
Thanks Baldwin. I was thinking bloody hemmorhoids.
Turd // Jun 17, 2008 at 2:22 pm
Hmmm…close Baldwin. But the root of it is more I kind of go batshit crazy, get high levels of anxiety and generally act like a weirdo for a few days. And with all due respect, its kind of like a chick on her period (the Goose agrees with this assessment, btw). Now, I said “with all due respect” so nobody can get mad.
Hip E. // Jun 17, 2008 at 3:35 pm
No offense to any asians.
baldwin residence! // Jun 17, 2008 at 4:04 pm
i suppose my comment wasn’t the true root of the problem…just the outward behavior caused by the rest of it.
it’s just so scary to ask you WHY you’re verbally berating me, and address those issues. much easier to get drunk and cry in a corner. if i’m lucky, williams-e feels bad for me and i get laid.
ps, i’m glad you’re posting again. it pisses me off when i go to rehab star and there’s no new content…for months.
Turd // Jun 17, 2008 at 6:21 pm
It was God’s will Baldwin. God’s will.
Sosia // Jun 17, 2008 at 7:04 pm
I thought it meant he had a wet dream. You know, embarrassing fluid.
Stickler // Jun 17, 2008 at 11:44 pm
Turd, I’m excited to see what your future is like at the Jo-Tel…I’m already pleased to have gotten masturbatory tips!
Hip E. // Jun 18, 2008 at 9:42 am
Turd gave Stickler just the tip
Load // Jun 19, 2008 at 12:01 pm
” I have never touched wieners with another dude. However, I have engaged in, and emerged victorious numerous sword fights.”
Does anyone ever really “win” a swordfight?
Turd Ferguson // Jun 19, 2008 at 12:05 pm
Yes. Everyone wins, because everyone gets to pee.
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