THE JO-TEL … illegal blog downfield

Only a male intellect clouded by the sexual drive could call the stunted, narrow-shouldered, broad-hipped and short-legged sex the fair sex … More fittingly than the fair sex, women could be called the unaesthetic sex. Neither for music, nor poetry, nor the plastic arts do they possess any real feeling or receptivity; if they affect to do so, it is merely mimicry in service of their effort to please.

-Arthur Shopenhauer

#8

Anyone who has comprehensively reviewed our archives this month (…) will notice that the Will Farrell “Crazy Boss Skit” is “no longer available” on Youtube. This is not just a glitch. All SNL material has been systematically removed from Youtube after vigorous protest by Lorn Michaels and SNL. And I’m not writing this to go off on Youtube. I suppose I can understand their financial and ethical justification for caving to SNL. In addition, potential Youtube-directed anger is mitigated by the fact that other, lesser known video sites are now popping up where these types of videos can be seen. Ask Hip E for the names, I don’t know them off the top of my head. I’m writing today to just place some minor, focused vitriol upon SNL. Unlike former diatribes against Apple, whose vitriol I would compare to napalming a North Vietnamese village, the vitriol in this rant against SNL is more aptly compared to lightly kicking someone from behind at the knee joint right when they are putting weight on that joint so that they quickly fall to the ground. Good. Times.

Okay, here’s the deal: the “Crazy Boss Skit” and the “Get Off the Shed”/ “Get Back on the Base” skits ARE NOT included on the Will Farrell Best Of DVD!! PETE has already addressed the insanity of this. My point is this: how the hell am I supposed to be able to watch these skits, if they’re not available on the DVD? Am I supposed to just start watching SNL and hope that a re-run with one of these skits comes on?? I don’t have that kind of time. And I don’t think ANYONE has the kind of time to watch any more that three Jimmy Fallon skits, which is undoubtedly what you would have to do if you wanted to try to find an old classic like “Get Back on the Base”. And as far as I know, complete seasons of SNL are not available, completing SNL’s moratorium on these skits. Please help.

Sincerely,
Get Back on the Base-less in Seattle

#9

So, it’s official now. There is no word in the English language that is worse to say than the n-word, n*****. And there are a lot of words are supposed to be really bad to say. When you’re young, ‘fuck’ is pretty much the worst thing that you believe you can say. Its mere utterance would probably get you grounded for a least a day. However, when you grow up, doing things like making a movie that uses the f-word a lot is totally fine and may actually win you the Academy Award for Best Original Screenplay. But no other word has the pejorative gravitas of n*****. No other racial epithet even comes close. Fink, Wop, WASP. None of these have the focused abhorrence of the n-word, which distills hundreds of years of humiliating American bigotry into six simple letters. Its power is illustrated by the fact that it is the only word (as far as I can think of) that I cannot write on this website. As such, Michael Richards totally f’ed up. And, as apologies go, his statement on David Letterman was one of the worst. Let’s hope he can find the “force field that lead to that hostility”.

#10

It is now no longer repulsive to advertise the Christmas season. That’s because Thanksgiving is over. However, in my opinion it is indecent to start Christmas ad campaigns before Thanksgiving. And I understand all the arguments regarding the benefits to certain companies to starting unseasonably early. There should just be a law. For the protection of citizens who enjoy Christmas, but, like all humans, have a saturation point for seasonal jollity. I mean, when Best Buy is running commercials with Santa Claus in early November, I am forced into the realization that I am going to be utterly sick of seeing Santa tell me to buy things by the middle of December. And that’s too bad. Not to mention the god damned egg nog lattes at Starbucks. I mean, you can’t even buy EGG NOG in mid-November, but you can certainly order an egg nog latte and, while you’re there, pick yourself up a Starbucks holiday sampler CD. If someone ever played one of those CDs at the jo-tel, I think my face would melt. But, things are looking up. It’s after Thanksgiving, the leaves are turning, the air is getting colder, and I just stumbled upon a song called “Christmas Time for My Penis” by The Vandals, which seems like an delightful inclusion on volume 3 of my Christmas Mix[x]. Merry Christmas, online casino!

-Shark (orignally posted 11/26/06)