My secretary– who I should mention is a very nice person– is dumb. The fact that she is dumb works to her disadvantage as a secretary, something that I put up with so as to not make waves in the office and, also, because having her as my secretary provides me access to lots of stories of her doing hilariously dumb things. Here is a list of the top 5 best stories of her doing dumb things. Most of these, she told me herself. Also, keep in mind, that these are just the dumb stories that I find amusing. There are others– like how she hasn’t had a license or car insurance for seven years, how her son shot a class-mate’s eye out with a potato gun during chemistry class, etc.– that I don’t find particularly amusing and that are not on the list.
5. Wears sunglasses to work once a month. My secretary wears contact lenses normally, but she runs out of contacts often and, when she does, she never has the next supply on hand. Nor does she have a pair of prescription glasses to wear, except for a pair a prescription sunglasses. That’s why, about once a month, I arrive at the office and my secretary is wearing sunglasses at her desk.
4. She dials 9-1-1 by accident all the time. I work in the East Bay and the area code is 925. Also, the area code for nearby Sacramento is 916. Like most offices, we have to dial-9 in order to dial out. My secretary, however, lacks the mental capacity and philangial dexterity to dial the 9-1-9 prefix. Instead, she has, on many, many occasions, called 9-1-1 instead. To make matters worse, she gets nervous when she dials 9-1-1 and immediately hangs up, so that the 9-1-1 operator then has to call the receptionist to make sure there is not an emergency. Then we get the ump-teenth office email telling us that “if we call 9-1-1, to stay on the line and tell the operator it was an accident”. And then Sheryl yells down the hall, “Sorry” and we all go back to work realizing that the only office-worker in Northern California than cannot dial 9-1-9 works at our office.
3. Watered a fake plant for three weeks. She watered a fake plant for three weeks. When the plant lady came by, my secretary was pointed out, politely, that she had been neglecting to water her plant. The plant lady looked at the plant, determined that it was fake, and moved on to the next cubicle.
2. Melted her car. Of course, the little plastic cap that covers the cigarette lighter (which was on the horizontal gear-shift panel of my secretary’s Pontiac) was gone. So when her son placed a penny in the lighter hole and left it there, my secretary woke up in the morning to find that her entire car had melted.
1. Killed her cat in the dryer (and other cat-related stories). There are not many extant details behind the main story: her cat was partial to laying among the clothes in the dryer; my secretary was partial was doing dumb thing– the result? She killed the cat in the dryer. But, in general, she is a crazy cat lady in training. The only thing she’s missing really is the “living alone” part (she has three kids), but she’s definitely got the “having tons of cats” part. She is constantly trying to get rid of extra cats that are birthed in her house. One day I asked her “wasn’t she supposed to get her cats spade or neutered”? She responded that she was teaching her kids about child birth. I responded, to myself, “your children are example enough, for the whole world, of the horrors of child birth– we don’t need to add a legion of cats to that lesson.”