THE JO-TEL … illegal blog downfield

Since I'm the resident expert here on non-shower-related human feces, I thought that I'd write a post to distill some of my knowledge.  For those of you who don't know, I used to work at civil engineering firm that specialized in septic design.  It was a great job.  I learned a lot about engineering and poop.

Wikipedia defines waste as "an unwanted or undesired material or substance. It is also referred to as rubbish, trash, garbage, or junk depending upon the type of material and the regional terminology."  I would disagree slightly with the universal connotation that waste is intentionally discarded.  Some of the shit I worked with definitely seemed forcefully evacuated, possibly greatly against the evacuator's will.

But let's not mince words: one of the most remarkable aspects of shit is the smell.  To the well-trained nose, the smelling of shit can actually be sort of an art form.  For instance, any novice can tell the difference between dog shit and human shit - my little cousins could tell you that.  But only the most refined sense can detect the subtle distinction between diarrhea and solid shit, or a morning poop versus an evening poop.   The obvious exception here is the dreaded Morning After Poopie, that Lucifer of shits that comes (you guessed it) the morning after heavy drinking.  Akin to an acute case of colonitis - a very severe illness affecting the colon that I just made up - the MAP is the most dangerous and offensive of all shit.  This is no art in a MAP.

But there are subtler areas of human-shit learning.  For example, color and visual appearance.  We've all heard about corn and nuts coming out in full form in poop, but did you know that the artificial blueberries in From Kashi To Good Friends Blueberry Medley cereal also appear in undigested form in shit logs?  If I had a dollar for every undigested Kashi blueberry I saw in human shit while I was on the job, I'd be able to … well let's just say I'd be a wealthy, wealthy man. But returning to corn, the famous impetus behind the "corn-hole" term, did you know that it's only the SKIN of the corn that doesn't digest?  The insides digest just fine, it's just the skin that has a problem.  It makes sense though, because otherwise, why eat corn? 

Finally, people often blame poo for clogging things.  I got that a lot.  But, in reality, it's always other objects in conjunction with the poo that produces the deadly clogs.  For instance, one time I reached my arm WAY down into a Type b-5 septic pipe– real gnarly one with a dog-leg– only to pull out a handful of two things: condoms and poo.  Baby turtles are also bad.  Those shells can reek havoc on an out-main pipe's elbow joint.  The turtle's body usually don't cause a problem.  The poop breaks them down pretty easily.

-Johnny D*

*not actually posted by Johnny D.