by The Quail
I recently received an email from a friend who works at the UC Berkeley College of Engineering. Someone submitted the following cover letter for a position as a receptionist - a receptionist - for the CoE. Evidently this dude, whom I shall call Tyranno-thesaurus Rex, already works somewhere in the University - a position I’m sure he was given in no small part thanks to his having previously worked at Togo’s Eatery. The only thing I’ve changed in the letter is the sentence in which he says what his current position is; I’ve changed it to protect the reputation of the person for whom he works.My friend also included her favorite section from T-t Rex’s resume, which describes his time (1989-1994) as the Assistant Manager at a Togo’s Eatery:
While vicariously representing the owner of a thriving deli I was called upon to interview applicants, train new employees, see to shipping and receiving, perform opening and closing duties, make bank deposits, and to irreproachably delegate authority while maintaining customer satisfaction.
And that’s just to whet your appetite; the cover letter will blow your mind. Assitant Manager of a Togo’s from 1989-1994… so this guy is a minimum of 38, assuming you have to be at least 20 to manage a Togo’s (a big assumption, I know, but I’ll stand by it). Keep that in mind as you read the cover letter. Anyway, without further ado, I give you The Greatest Cover Letter Ever Written:
To the hiring unit,
With the submission of my resume I would like to express my interest in the advertised position. I feel that I am a generally affable individual and seek to engender a sense of my sincerity. I believe in the dignity of work and afforded the opportunity I know that I could convince you of my resourcefulness and reliability.
As an employee and asset to the University of California at Berkeley I am currently an administrative assistant in support of [Title and Name] and his cabinet therein. My duties, being correspondingly manifold in nature, are subject to the vagaries of day-to-day operations.
As a receptionist I ensure proper routing and announcement of all incoming visitors and provide department wide information. In my incipient role as assistant building coordinator I am responsible for procurement card reconciliation, inventory maintenance, building access records, and filling in for official absence.
My clerical responsibilities find me fulfilling a wide range of duties including, but never limited to, document formatting and analysis, word processing, file maintenance and reorganization, travel voucher preparation, calendaring of meetings, petty cash reimbursements, dissemination of department wide information and policy, and complete responsibility for a department vehicle including usage records, routine maintenance, and accident documentation. Having formal education in Microsoft Office I continue with supplementary studies. I have been involved with event planning and am often entrusted to deliver time sensitive and confidential materials throughout the greater UC Berkeley community. And having been formally trained in Microsoft Office I continue with supplementary studies.
Though I enjoy my current responsibilities I am now seeking to transcend this nascent period of my professional life. I look to the future and hope to find myself in a position that will challenge me as a person, from that challenge offer growth, and allow me to be an inspiration to the people around me. In this new global community into which we are inexorably being dragged I appeal to you, with bounding alacrity, in hopes of finding a career, not in the pursuit of self-aggrandizement, but one rather which will allow me to contribute to the edification of humanity by helping to further education¿s ultimate goal: to make better citizens.
Hence, it is with aspirations of founding a relationship of mutual beneficence that I intend to gain your favor and ultimately foment correspondence. I hope you will allow my application ample regard and find me a candidate of worth. Thank you.
No… thank you, T-t Rex.
12 responses so far ↓
The Big Kat // Apr 10, 2007 at 11:55 pm
Oh my god. Obviously that guy didn’t write that letter, unless it was at Togo’s that he picked up his “bounding alacrity”. Whoever wrote that for him either doesn’t like him very much or has never actually applied for a job. Have they never heard of tailoring your cover letter to the position for which you’re applying? While talk of being “inexorably dragged” into an increasingly globalized world would be perfectly at home in a lengthy academic paper discussing the feminist critique of French foreign policy towards southeast asia in the post colonialist world, it’s a bit out of place in an application to be a receptionist. A much better cover letter for this position would be written in broken english describing how its author had just arrived in this country from Venezuela and how, though she had no experience as a receptionist, her position as two time runner up for the title of Miss Caracas has given her lots of poise and world experience, ending with a mention of the fact that she is single and has no kids…yet.
Cali Thais // Apr 11, 2007 at 12:43 am
Yeah, I thought a receptionist, by definition, must be a chick… a hot one….. Good to have you back, Thrill.
Shark // Apr 11, 2007 at 5:04 am
This is my favorite line:
“My clerical responsibilities find me fulfilling a wide range of duties including, but never limited to, document formatting and analysis, word processing, file maintenance and reorganization, travel voucher preparation, calendaring of meetings, petty cash reimbursements, dissemination of department wide information and policy, and complete responsibility for a department vehicle including usage records, routine maintenance, and accident documentation.”
NEVER limited to. Not once were my duties limited to things like petty cash reimbursement.
Linda // Apr 11, 2007 at 5:04 am
Thrill I always thought The Quail was Shark’s alter ego. Imagining the posts with your voice and tone makes them funnier somehow (no offense Shark).
PETE // Apr 11, 2007 at 5:00 pm
“including, but never limited to” and then he lists like 80 things. What did he not mention? Unclogging the toilets? Samba dancing?
Thrill // Apr 11, 2007 at 5:07 pm
I don’t recall him mentioning his continuing supplemental studies in Microsoft Office, so it’s probably that.
Thrill // Apr 11, 2007 at 5:30 pm
Oh, and Linda, you’re right to find things funnier when I say them.
Hip E. // Apr 11, 2007 at 5:53 pm
I like that he’s completely responsible for the department vehicle, including accident documentation. “I drive the car, refuel it, maintain the brakes and fluids, crash it, and fully document the resulting correspondence with the insurance company.”
Gary // Apr 12, 2007 at 2:35 am
In my years of loyal readership, there are few posts I remember with any detail. Pete making out with a dude, Pete discussing R&B, Shark’s neverending discussions about crap music, and now this. And this is the first one that doesn’t reflect poorly on any Jo-Teliers. Good job, Will.
Shark // Apr 12, 2007 at 5:15 am
Wait wait. Berkely COE hiring manager. DON’T HIRE this guy. Look:
He wrote:
“In this new global community into which we are inexorably being dragged I appeal to you, with bounding alacrity, in hopes of finding a career, not in the pursuit of self-aggrandizement, but one rather WHICH will allow me to contribute to the edification of humanity by helping to further education¿s ultimate goal: to make better citizens.”
When he should have wrote:
“In this new global community into which we are inexorably being dragged I appeal to you, with bounding alacrity, in hopes of finding a career, not in the pursuit of self-aggrandizement, but one rather THAT will allow me to contribute to the edification of humanity by helping to further education¿s ultimate goal: to make better citizens.”
It’s a good thing I caught that or else you would have ended up with a receptionist that didn’t know how to use restrictive articles!
PETE // Apr 13, 2007 at 12:38 am
Oh Gary!! Just SHITTING on my response to the craigslist housing post. “How many bitches have you crushed? Be honest.” SHITTING ALL OVER IT. Argh! Go back to DC.
Hip E. // Apr 13, 2007 at 9:47 pm
*should have WRITTEN
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