THE JO-TEL …believes some of what Nathaniel and John say, but believes England is still our sovreign

I give up. It's all a charade. The new name of this column is Reading, since I'm always too lazy to get my shit together on Sunday so, now it's Reading, I'll post whenever I want, and that's pretty much what I'm gong with here. This Sunday, I actually had kind of an excuse though: I was hung over, then I went to see C. Stickler (take that Google!!) perform in the O.C. as the lead in the traveling Broadway cast of Mama Mia. She killed it, obv. And despite me being bitter that her weekly per diem is larger that my entire salary, I highly recommend that everybody buy tickets to see her when she hits San Fran on the 12th and 13th of September. Okay Sunday Reading. I'm too tired to be funny. I'm serious this time. Fatigue and hunger caused me to get into a protracted argument with my fellow CE today about whether to write Emmy nominations should be written out:

Tina Fey, "30 Rock" — "Jack-Tor" (NBC)
Tina Fey, "30 Rock" ("Jack-Tor") (NBC)
Tina Fey, "30 Rock" ("Jack-Tor") — NBC

It got pretty heated, let me tell you, and the whole problem was that it was a purely aesthetic argument. Neither of us had a single, operation rule of grammar to back us up. She just liked … Okay, now that you're all asleep. Here's some links.

I tend to hate on McSweeny's since they publish so much stupid shit. Surprisingly, it's not bitterness at rejection, since I've never submitted anything, but I'm not afraid to say I'm afraid to, for fear of rejection, and subsequent bitterness. Thrill got rejected once though! Ha!

Thrill: But I'm in MENSA
PETE: … Say! This is from McSweeny's and it's fucking hilarious.

An article Johnny D dug up about how high IQ correlates with a lower number of sex partners in adolescence, finally giving me a great excuse for not managing to get a girl to touch my private area until I was 20. Shark, did Dorin ever pay off that bet? But I digress. I'm about 100% sure that my intelligence peaked probably late senior year of H.S., Freshman year of college, after which point I really started killing my brain with booze and sgurd, and started hitting the gym more often, until finally my IQ was low enough when, coupled with my "masculine physique," I was able to attract a mate. This passage also afforded me aid and comfort:

By the age of 19, 80% of US males [shit] and 75% of women have lost their virginity, and 87% of college students have had sex. But this number appears to be much lower at elite (i.e. more intelligent) colleges. According to the article, only 56% of Princeton undergraduates have had intercourse. At Harvard 59% of the undergraduates are non-virgins, and at MIT, only a slight majority, 51%, have had intercourse. Further, only 65% of MIT graduate students have had sex.

This article also came with the added bonus of me being able to blame my intelligence loss on the increase in testosterone levels that comes with repeated blasting of the pecs and quads.¹ Also, here's another article about sex and math, specifically about how the results of most number-of-sexual-partner studies are mathematically impossible, due to chicks lying about not being sluts and dudes lying about being sluts. Good thing I don't have to lie. I mean I bone more chicks than Snax, who once claimed to bones about 100 slizzities per annum, which is a pretty good number, I guess, if you're sick a lot. I'm just going in order of how I have these article tabs open in Firefox. No real method.

Here's an article about how I miss San Francisco sometimes. Also, speaking of great news on the drug-user front, the FBI is now "bowing to modern realities" and allowing dudes who were worthless pot heads at some point in the distant past to join up. Still petty stringent on the substance abuse past, but pretty cool I guess, for the Feds to finally start realizing that just because somebody did some drugs once, every day, all the time, they're not bad people.

Another interesting study about how diversity actually hurts social cohesion. Interesting read for a bed-wetting liberal like … well, Shark, for one. I blame the minorities.

Article from the new scientist about how they're figuring out how to levitate stuff. But it still pretty small stuff, like frogs and tiny screws or some boring shit. Hello, assholes … Haven't you ever head of a show called "Mind Freak with Criss Angel" (miiiiiindFRRRREAAAAKKKKK). That dude levitates ALL THE TIME. Somebody might want to put a call in if we're ever going to get a realistic shot at making hoverboards. One time, in college, this dude in our FRAT went crazy for a few weeks and started making up stories, like how he had a meeting with Honda to discuss plans he had drawn up for a working hoverboard, or how he had an aunt die in Spain who'd left him $52 mil. This dude managed to have a pretty hot girlfriend through this whole ordeal.

Wikipedia article about the Death Cap Mushroom, Amanita phalloides.  Now you want to read about it. I've been concentrating my wikipedia reading on mushrooms and financial markets this past week. I figured the Death Cap link was a better choice than "Arbitrage."

Article from Stylus: Top 10 Music Geek Accessories. Take it how you wanna take it. I own 1 out of 10, and would consider myself a music geek, and I haven't sold all my CDs, but to avoid opprobrium (can I get a confirmation on this usage? Shark? Will? Shut up, Hip E.) I had to abandon all my jewel cases when I moved away to college, and then I stopped buying CDs pretty much altogether a few years ago. Now we have pandorockers. So fuck you. Speaking of, I need a re-up on the Mates of State oeuvre. Solid.

This article from NYT is three things: weird, interesting, an interminably long. Read pages 1-3 to pretty much get the gist. Greydon Carter much be punching himself in the face over not landing this big fish (Graydon, you did put Gisele on the cover this month, so … I mean about 5 years too late but it's better than Bono, so we're cool for now).

Article from Parade about how the Chinese and shit are totally kicking our ass space-wise, and how NASA is pretty much shit now. It's an eloquent argument for giving more funding to NASA. Great read.

Radar interview with Dita Von Teese, burlesque-resurgence pioneer and Marilyn Manson ex-wife and total Herfoine Granger and whose engagement ring, alleges former MM bassist Madonna Wayne Gacy in a recently filed suit, was purchased out of band funds by Manson, along with other esotera [sic] including a little girl's skeleton, and Chris Cooper's Nazi plates. You gotta want to get your hands on that legal brief!

Finally, a trailer for "No Country for Old Men." Coen Bros. Cormac. Paramount Vantage. Tommy Lee Jones. You will read this book in a day. I've recommended it to everyone. I don't know what else to say.

Okay one more, and this really deserves its own post. Sent by Deena, it's the Web site of a holistic medicine company that held a "best poo" contest for people who ordered their $89.50 colon cleansing kit, which involves eating no food for 5 days while drinking lots of water and taking the "Toxin Absorber" power with organic apple juice to slough off the fecal matter that, according to them, sticks to the walls of your — still with me — your intestines, which causes the ubiquitous "toxins" to seep into your blood stream while simultaneously preventing nutrients from following suit. So, yeah, there's lots of pictures of poo. And wow, I mean WOW is this poo amazing looking. Due to my blood hatred of homeopathy, AKA the pentecostalism of the American left, I am disinclined to give them my money, even if it does mean I'll poo a 3ft. poo. And I'm not going to lie, that's tempting.¹  An alternate lead I was thinking about going with for the sex/IQ article: "Here's an article about how high IQ leads to fewer sexual partners … I guess none of the researchers stopped by the Jo-Tel. Sup ladies …"

-PETE