66% of THE JO-TEL is “losing it Scalia style”

This would be like both Pink Floyd and Led Zeppelin reuniting for one-time only concerts on the same night … except one is in Brighton at 7:30 p.m. and one is in Cambridge at 9 p.m.! But maybe you’re a street racer from the mean streets of Manchester, with a rough exterior that conceals a heart of gold. And maybe your mom, who you don’t have the best relationship with, is dying of lung cancer; and maybe you remember how she used to sing you to sleep with the non-rocking part of “Stairway to Heaven” before she went to the living room to get high and pass out listening to “Careful with that axe, Eugene;” and maybe you hear from a friend at the garage that a race is taking place in the countryside that very night, and the challenger will pit two tickets to each show against an acceptable pink (yeah … this is a weak plot device, I know); and maybe you hop in your MG and do about 180km/h out of the city to make it to the farm where this whole thing is going down. And you throw down that pink and you fucking win those tickets because you’ll be damned to hell if your ma is going to miss either one of these fucking shows, after all she’s been through. And if there’s anyone that can get your mom to Floyd, and then to Zep in time for the encore, which, since this is a one-time thing, is a “Stairway” mortal lock — it’s you.

So what’s my excuse for not posting on the Jo-Tel for like 3 months? It’s been so long that I actually forgot the Web address for the admin panel, which is where the post magic happens. Um … I don’t think I’ve said anything funny since maybe mid-July. I’m still not funny, but I finally buckled under the pressure of Shark’s constant, tearful emails … which I was able to ignore while I was still reading “Infinite Jest,” the non-completion of which was a much greater source of guilt for some reason. Anyhow, that book is really good and I highly recommend it. It was pretty satisfying deleted it from currently reading. I also took the opportunity to delete Golden Shoulders - Friendship is Deep from currently listening … which I actally have NOT been listening to for 3 straight months. I couldn’t name a song, to tell you the truth.

But I promised Shark that I would write a Reading Column, which this is not. But Hip E. and I were talking this weekend, and we decided that Saturday might be worth writing about. Patsy, Kristin, Shanny D and Hip E. all came to LA this weekend for the Cal game. I was anticipating a big weekend, which for me right now is pretty much leaving the house.

Shanny D and Hip E. were staying here at the Jo-Tel South, which I think I’ve mentioned is small

We woke up on Saturday and it became immediately apparent to me that no one was in any particular rush to hoof it out to Pasadena to the game … which was fine with me. We ended up going to breakfast at LuLu’s which is a pretty delicious breakfast place around me, and which fans of “The Hills” might recognize as the place where Jen Bunny met L.C. and told her that Brody was responsible for the sex tape rumors. Then we decided to just go watch the Cal game at a bar.

I think this is the point where things really started to go downhill.

The next thing I remember, some asshole was returning a Longshore pass for a touchdown and I was very, very angry. Then I remember walking down Melrose looking pretty angry. Then I remember getting home and throwing my keys in the sink and walking into the living room and giving some thought to kicking the table. Then I looked at my hand and my right index finger was looking kind of like the ZZ Top logo. It didn’t really hurt at all, which was odd. Jefferson took me to the emergency room and they put me on the fast track … which was really fast. It was kind of funny since I was still wearing my Cal shirt, which had some blood on it from an unrelated fence-punching incident, and I guess lots of hospital people in LA went to UCLA, and saw the shirt, and put 2 and 2 together, which I hear they teach there. They were cool. Here is an x-ray of the finger before Mr. Big-time-UCLA-doctor popped it back into alignment:

The image on the left is of the left side of the finger. You can sort of make out the ghosty-blue skin area. Seriously, the ZZ Top logo. After breakfast, the hospital was the funnest part of the day.

Patsy had had the idea of getting a limo on Saturday night and just getting hammered in it and rolling around Hollywood, which everyone agreed was a pretty great idea. Hip E. took the initiative and ordered the limo. Then we had to cancel it. Which there’s evidently a $200 fee for. Then Shanny D suggested that we go see “The Darjeeling Limited.” So we went and it was sold out, which none of us anticipated. But I decided since I was at the theater I was going to get a Cherry Coke, but they didn’t have that so I had to get regular Coke, which is maybe one-third as delicious. Then, when we got to the parking lot, none of us could find the car. After about 15 minutes of looking, Johnny D came through with the spot. How did people find cars before the beep-beep remotes?

When we got home it was pretty late. Thing took a turn for the better around 2:30 a.m. when I mounted a Tiger Woodsesque comeback on the last six holes of Blooper Bay in Mario Golf, birdieing two of the last three holes for the one-stroke victory.

I told Hip E. and Shanny D that if they never came back to LA I would understand. But Hip E. figures the next time he comes has got to be one for the ages, only with good things happening.

Tomorrow: pics of the x-ray!

-PETE

“Any doubts I had about the Entertainer melted away the moment he put my entire foot in his mouth” - overheard on I Love New York while completing this post.