THE JO-TEL … illegal blog downfield

Vol. 1 was just a collection of throwaway observations mainly meant to be funny.

Vol. 2 has a bit more of a focus: writing a good (or fixing a bad) profile. Having been on the site for a month, I feel like I’m pretty much in the swing of things. And, at this point, I consider the monthly dues money well spent. However, after a month of trolling through hundreds of profiles, my frustration is palpable, and I know I’m not alone. Pretty much, the following profile is what this post is all about preventing:

I’m [name redacted]. indecisive, smart, and sassy. i try not to take too much seriously. i have a very sarcastic humor and i like to go out, live life, laugh, & have fun. i’m very energetic and try to make the best out of everything. i love all types of music, art, and photography. i love dancing, the beach and anything to do with the beach, kittens, sunsets, LA, NY, Paris, London, the color red. born and raised in california and love it here! my family & friends are the best and i will do anything for them. i’m addicted to starbucks… anything else?

I usually don’t do this online stuff, but I thought I’d give it a try and see what it has to offer. I want someone who is down to earth, honest, respectful, open-minded, sweet, smart, strong, and handsome. I want someone who enjoys sports, but can also enjoy the finer things in life like a nice dinner, traveling, sunsets, the ocean, etc. I will not be with someone who is controlling, possessive, and closed-minded.

As much as I would love to take credit for the above, alas I cannot. That is taken whole cloth from a real-life “About me” section. If you don’t see anything particularly wrong with the above, hopefully you will find some advice worth taking in the following guide.

N.B. This guide is directed towards women, as I am a man, but most of the below could apply equally to men’s profiles, or so I’ve heard from numerous m.c adherents of the female persuasion. ~

A general note on profiles:
It’s not an axiom for nothing: “Know your audience.” So look, I’m aware of the fact that up to 99% of the stuff you ladies do is intended to influence the opinion of other women, as opposed to men. In this way we are quite similar, in that men also do 99% of our stuff to influence the opinions of women.

But e.g., the market for super-expensive designer handbags would not exist if there weren’t poor bitches out there to get jealous. You know it, we know it. No straight man anywhere is going to have his opinion of you influenced one way or the other by a $5,000 bag. Actually, I take that back; in the rare instances where you will encounter a guy who’s up on the latest in purses, and notices that you happen to be in possession of the newest, no-doubt ugliest-to-date Balenciaga, the assumption is going to be that 1) you put it on mommy and daddy’s credit card, and/or 2) you love making poor girls feel bad about themselves. Both 1 and 2 are bad.

So here’s the point though: Your profile is not a designer handbag. It’s meant to stand out to men who are looking to strike up a conversation with a cute chick who has a good personality. It’s not meant to stand out to all those hater-ass bitches who have to settle for D&B or Coach. So it baffles me to see so many girls’ profiles that are written like an introductory letter to a sorority.

“I love animals, especially my two adorable puppies! I love shoes and Sex & the City (Miranda is my fav!) and hangin’ with my girls! I love to shop, especially for bras, when you find that perfect one that just fits and you don’t have to adjust it all day and then when you get home and take it off and there’s no marks. OMG I LOVE THAT!”

Okay, so maybe leave in that last part. I guess it’s largely a tone thing, but specific examples abound as well.

I believe I already expounded at length on Eat, Pray, Love, and how, when attempting to attract guys, it might not be the best of moves to list under “last read” a book about a woman who abandons her husband on a whim, and then going on to say how said book really made you think …

See N.B. above about how lots of this stuff can definitely be applied to guys on m.c as well, but I highly doubt that you’ll see many guys admitting to reading The Mystery Method, or being totally addicted to Penthouse.

Yes, it is the same.

But, PETE, you say, I really DID just finish [insert chick lit garbage here]! What am I supposed to do?

Lie. In fact, here’s a nice, widely applicable rule for the “just read” section: If the cover of the book is pink, or features either a pair of torsoless legs (terminating in black stilettos) or a martini glass, under no circumstances are you to list it.

Okay, moving on.

To girls with overly short profiles:
This is probably the most important piece of advice I can offer. If you don’t write anything in your profile, then you’re relying solely on your pictures to elicit responses. And if you’re relying on your looks alone, instead of getting guys who are intrigued by your personality, you’re going to get responses from every guy attracted to your looks. The only area where you will “match” with the guys emailing you is that you and he both think you’re hot and, evidently, could care less about what you have to say.

And you wonder why every email you get is: “Hi. You’re hot.” That’s all they have to go on. Oh, except maybe you’re turned on by flirting and thunderstorms!

If you’re content with being judged solely by your looks, why not just delete your profile and head out to a Hollywood bar where plenty of dudes, not least the bouncer, will be happy to oblige you.

To the girls who call themselves “compassionate,” or say that they want their match to be compassionate:
As opposed to what? Here’s a little thesaurus exercise for you ladies. M-W thesaurus entry for compassionate:

Synonyms: beneficent, benevolent, benignant, good-hearted, humane, kind, kindhearted, kindly, softhearted, sympathetic, tender, tenderhearted, warmhearted

Antonyms: barbarous, bestial, brutal, brutish, callous, cold-blooded, cruel, hardhearted, heartless, inhuman, inhumane, insensate, savage, unfeeling, unkind, unkindly, unsympathetic

I want to laugh, but this could be a serious issue. Is this the point we’ve come to in the (dating?) world? Where girls need to specifically identify basic human decency as a desirable trait in a man, and/or a noteworthy trait in themselves?

“Girlfriend, I am so TIRED of these men. It seems that every guy I meet is either a genocidal dictator, a pederast, or the drummer from Smash Mouth. Why can’t I meet a compassionate guy?”

I’m going to assume things aren’t this dire yet, so ladies, how about setting the bar a little higher

To the girls who call themselves “compassionate” and “kindhearted”:
Get a fucking thesaurus. Jesus.

To the girls who insist that they are “smart” and “funny”:
This one definitely applies to guys as well. I’m just going to borrow verbatim from sweet Linda (a girl): “My other pet peeve was ‘I’m funny’ or ‘I’m smart.’ Show it, don’t say it, brother.

Exactly. Thank you, Linda.

You say you want a smart guy? Well smart guys want smart girls, too! But smart guys are smart enough to know that if a girl says “I’m smart,” and yet everything else in her profile points toward …

“Well, she comes off as vapid and naive, her entire ‘About Me’ section is a tired collection of relationship platitudes, and I’m not even entirely sure she can read. But she says she’s smart, AND she says that she really values honesty, so hey! Why would she lie?”

You see where I’m going with this …

Another note about smart people: One thing we all have in common, aside from being able to spot our own based on a writing sample (cough! cough! hint!), is that we like books. Specifically, reading them. The smart guys that you say you want, well I can pretty much guarantee that they’ll be taking a gander at your “last read” section, so keep that in mind (see above; also, Vol. 1).

Same goes for funny guys. They like funny girls. You say you need a man that can make you laugh, that a sense of humor is paramount, and yet YOUR profile is about as funny and entertaining as a pink slip.

You’re sarcastic you say? Acerbic? Quick-witted? I agree. I mean, your profile, a clear, biting satire aimed at boring, self-serious, completely deluded members of the online dating community is spot-fucking-on. Get Timothy McSweeney on the phone!

Wait, what? Your profile wasn’t a satire? Ah! Now you’re being sarcastic again! Man, you ARE good!

So, in summation: Show it, don’t say it, sister.

To the girls who say something along the lines of “I love going out with my friends, but I ALSO love a quiet night at home,” or, even worse, “I love to have fun!”:
Say no more. Marry me right now. I’ve been waiting all my life to meet someone who enjoys BOTH of the two options available for those of us who live in some type of shelter: staying or leaving. But, what’s this? You also like to have fun?? [heart explodes with gladness]

Here’s another sort of rule of thumb: if anything you say about yourself in your profile is generic enough so that it can apply equally to both yourself and Buffalo Bill from The Silence of the Lambs, probably a good idea to get a bit more specific.

To the girls who say they love wine tasting:
(Disclaimer: this is, admittedly, a purely personal grievance, but it speaks to a larger trend. Also, I know nothing about wine.)
You say you value honesty, so let’s be honest here. If it weren’t for the color, you couldn’t tell the difference between a merlot and a pinot gris. I could fill your glass with Carlo Rossi sangria and tell you it’s Chateau Margeaux, and you wouldn’t question it for a second. By saying you like to go wine tasting, what that tells me is that, while you genuinely enjoy wine DRINKING, you also like standing around in a tasting room, nodding along with everyone else — most of whom are equally clueless — because it makes you feel sophisticated. In other words, you’re fake.

So, forgive me if you’re a true oenophile, one who is well-versed in California varietals and can expound at length on the deleterious effects of Robert Parker’s influence on the wine industry. But you’re not. So just change your profile to read “I like drinking wine (I judge wines purely on their sticker price) and pretending to know about shit I don’t know about.” Isn’t honesty fun?

As for that larger trend, I turn things over to my friend Marja, to whom I sent this last section prior to publication, because I trust her advice on when I’m projecting too much of the nerd rage to get my point across, and also because she knows about wine more than me:

I think the thrust of your piece isn’t about whether or not it’s fine to go to wine tastings. It’s about the difference between people who say things like “I love picnics on the beach in the rain holding hands with puppies” cause they think it sounds good, and people who are honest about their genuine interests. If everyone lists the same bullshit how are you ever to tell if you’d be compatible?

And wine tasting falls solidly into that category because you think you are saying something good about your level of sophistication when in fact you are saying the opposite.

Wine tasting sucks. It sucks because the premise is all fucking weird. Who wants 9 million little tastes of different things? It is really only helpful if you know you love the winery and they have some new whatever that you’re dying to try without the commitment of actually buying a bottle. Oh, plus the fact that you are generally so loaded by the time you’re done that you couldn’t remember a wine you liked from one you didn’t even if there was video of you saying, “I really like THIS wine the best.”

Amen. Thanks, Marge. So that’s that. Happy Valentine’s Day, and remember kids, spell-check is your friend!

Love,
- PETE