THE JO-TEL … illegal blog downfield

Thanks to Rochester, NY resident, Maupow for bringing to my attention this Sports Guy article that references this Perez Hilton post about The Hills Laguna Beach Season 1’s LC having a sex tape coming out.

The Puma’s day was just made.

As was mine. Sports Guy writes:

All right, I don’t know what’s more exciting: Our new ace looking relatively unhittable, or Perez Hilton reporting that there’s a sex tape coming out featuring LC from “The Hills.” One year ago, if you had to place odds on someone from “The Hills” appearing in a sex tape, Heidi would have been a (-750) money line favorite over LC. This is really like Buster Douglas knocking out Mike Tyson all over again. What a day.

I disagree. I think Heidi will eventually have a sex tape surface (money on Brody Jenner), much to the delight of all the dudes who thought Six was hot on Blossom. What you need to look at here is Wahler. With them dating as long as they did, a sex tape was almost guaranteed. Let’s look at the facts:

(You know what? I’m just going to put all this stuff below the jump so Shark doesn’t have to see it. What started out as a link dump so I could talk about a few things has now turned into a full-blown 8-tab Firefox window Google search panoply … see, shit. Now I have to open ANOTHER tab on m-w.com to see if I’m using that word right. Hmm … works with the third definition. Thank you M-W Word of the Day newsletter.

-PETE

First you have to think: “Was a sex tape made?” Considering LC demonstrated time and time again that she completely loses her common sense around Wahler, and considering Wahler is … like he is—this one is a no-brainer. He asked. She agreed. But no anal.

So it’s made, how does it get released?

Jason Wahler cheated on LC with ex-girlfriend slash trainwreck, uh … Jessica! Then he cheated on her some more. Moves to LA to freeload off her fame while not working. At some point she gets sick of him, kicks him to the curb. Then he gets arrested a bunch. So he’s out of the spotlight, running out of money, none of the reality shows he’s pushing to the Spike Network get green-lighted … now he’s in jail or going to jail for assaulting a tow truck driver? This is a textbook sextape release scenario.

At this point you have to rank Wahler above K-Fed, the guy with the dreads who beat on Halle Berry, and Seal in useless boyfriends of hot celebrities pantheon. I think K-Fed gets a bad rap for being untalented. He was a back-up dancer for Britney Spears. You’ve got to be a pretty damn good dancer to land that gig I imagine. I’d say he can dance better that 97-99% of people. Now Wahler, HE’s untalented.

So: no talent, no personality, dumb shit, no money (for his crowd anyways), legal trouble … but he’s got this tape.

I can’t wait.

Also, update on that time I went out in Hollywood they were filming an episode of The Hills with our table in the background. For a few seconds you can kind of make out Gabe and I in the background of the shot where Audrina shows up. Pretty piss-poor considering I accidentally spent $400 that night. They didn’t even show LC getting the drink thrown on her. Maybe on the DVD extras?

And here’s a picture of LC and Heidi with Ryan Cabrera, which is weird because I was specifically looking for pictures of Ryan Cabrera because I get the same vibe when I see him as when I see Wahler … like my TV or US Weekly is suddenly covered in grease. He was also an alternate for the useless boyfriends of hot celebrities line before I thought of the “Seal” joke … which wasn’t that good.