THE JO-TEL … illegal blog downfield

Just kidding, I’m still sober. Lame. So “Answers in Genesis,” the people that run this creationist museum wherein I am doomed to wear a saddle to show how humans coexisted with me (no they didn’t), have a website now. Lots of fun stuff guys. Lots of “answers in Genesis,” dudes. Hey curators, tell me if this answer is in Genesis: Where in hell’s name are the instant coffee packets? Seriously. Seriously. Seriously. How do you expect me to make it through the day without joe in the morning. The only thing worse than being oggled by religious half-wits is being oggled by religious half-wits when you have a splitting headache. Come on you abstemious assholes! Okay, maybe T-tops is a bit more sensitive because he’s currently in the throes of narcotics withdrawal. Okay, maybe T-tops blew all his bones last month on black-tar heroin and rubber cement. And so, okay, maybe T-tops cannot effing afford to go to STARBUCKS or PETE’S to get some fancy coffee like the rest of you stiffs. But maybe you can do me a favor and use a small fraction of the proceeds from this mug with my image on it …

to buy me some broke-ass instant coffee. By the way, the ad for this mug states:

Let this Creation Museum coffee mug, designed by one of our own employees, be a daily reminder of the true history of the world as revealed to us in the Bible.

Really! It was made by one of your EMPLOYEES! Wow! Let’s continue:

Holding up to 14 ounces, this mug’s design includes a full triceratops skeleton, a small picture comparing the dinosaur’s size to a man, the Creation Museum logo, AiG logo, and the address of our award-winning website.

I’m curious: how does the address of your award-winning website compare to the dinosaur’s size? Finally:

Available only in black with white print, this truly is an AiG exclusive item!

Oh yes! Truly exclusive. I wonder why. “Hey non-moron, do you want to make a coffee mug that compares the size of a dinosaur to the size of a human?” “Sure, that’s interesting, it’s sometimes amazing to think how massive those creatures were.” “No silly, to show how dinosaurs and humans co-existed! Look how they sit so nicely next to each other. D’uh!” “Oh, kay. –Hey I’m going to go watch a movie not produced by Jerry Bruckheimer.” “Huh? What are you saying? You DON’T own Kangaroo Jack on DVD?”

Let’s look a some more idiot merchandise, shall we:

In the beginning God created …” Genesis 1:1 Give this full-length tie (it’s NOT a clip-on) to the man or young man in your life. An excellent gift for; Father’s Day, Christmas, graduation, birthdays, etc.

Did you hear that? It’s Strunk & White turning over in their graves after reading the punction in that last sentence. Also, too bad the Bible never says that God created dinosaurs. Oh but WAIT, I forgot about the other tie:

‘Behold now BEHEMOTH which I made with thee…’ Job 40:15.

Hey, was “behemoth” capitalized in the Bible? Let me guess, you capitalized it because dinosaurs are BIG!! … XTREME! … PETE!

Okay, I think I’m done. And, sub-moron powers that be, I know I mouth off a lot. I know. But I’m still a pretty kick-ass exhibit. Triceratops, saddle, etc. So why no love on the photos page? I mean, do you HAVE enough pictures of Ken Ham?

We all know that dude turned to religion because of his horrible acne. It’s pretty obvious.

-Triceratops with a Saddle

Update: And don’t forget, while the opening of the Creationist Museum has been causing a hot riot on the internets as of late, T-tops has been keeping it real (as real as can be kept considering I’m wearing a saddle) on the Jo-Tel since March of 2005. You can go into the archives for my previous posts. This is the article that started it all. One last thing, my friend PZ Myers over at Pharyngula has a pretty comprehensive rundown of the whole “museum” ridiculousness here. Come visit, and when you do, be sure to inquire of the museum guides as to why the fuck I, a 4000-year-old Triceratops, am wearing a modern saddle, which wasn’t invented until 200 A.D. by the Romans. You can also ask them why, if humans and animals got along so great before the Fall, then where did the leather for my fucking saddle come from? God I hate my fucking job.