THE JO-TEL …believes some of what Nathaniel and John say, but believes England is still our sovreign

One time, there was this dude in our fraternity named Pat. He wanted everyone to call him “Big Cat,” which is a pretty cool nickname. I remember once, some of us pledges stood around and listened to him hold court on “sloots.” It’s been several years, but I vaguely recall it was something about how they rule.

Anyhow, Pat has a new blog, and it’s pretty funny. From what I can tell, he’s been at it a few months and seems to be transitioning from the heady new blog phase where everything you ever thought to complain about has finally reached critical mass, so you sign up for blogger, spend a few days changing your background color, and let everything spill out in a deluge … and you think “I am an endless wellspring of ideas!” — to the “Hmm, I was thinking about something that sucked today but now I can’t think of it … oh well, I’ll just write about bathroom attendants” … or any number of other things that suck, but which everybody thinks suck, and has a take on, not just you. You let your guard down. You get lazy. You start raiding the reserves. We’ve all been there. Next he’ll be complaining about like, how pennies are useless or how people of a certain avoirdupois should refrain from wearing spandex and/or ill-fitting bras.

But his post about keeping his sled clean is pretty funny (so was the bathroom attendants post, I’m just saying is all). I don’t keep my sled clean. I had it cleaned once, before a date, which I ended up riding my bike to. At the car wash I bought one of those tree-shaped air fresheners, which come in lots of scents that have nothing to do with trees, which I couldn’t decide was cool or lame. Eventually, I decided on cool, but only because there were so many scents all in different colors. There were like 30, at least. If there had been only three or four, it would’ve been lame because like, why not just make all of them shapes evocative of their proffered scents? But with 30, it’s just a matter of practicality to stick with the iconic tree shape. It’s like when Trix decided to switch from fruit shapes to balls. They were like, we’ve got six different fruits now, fuck it. Plus there was some funny ones. Like a black pine tree with the scent “Black Ice.” It said “Black Ice” on it. I would’ve bought that one but it really smelled bad. I opted for a blue pine tree that said “Ocean Mist,” which isn’t as funny as “Black Ice” but it’s pretty funny. It smelled okay. Anyhow, the paint job is pretty fucked up on my sled so cleaning it doesn’t do much in the way of making the car look better or making me feel better about how I look in the car. I should keep the inside of my sled cleaner than I do though. The wiper fluid thing isn’t an issue for me since my nozzles are all fucked up. My general technique is to park, put my wipers on high, and manually dump water that I keep in my trunk for the radiator on the windshield. It works pretty well in a pinch.

Anyhow, hoodies:

Note: the following is arguing in favor of the plain, solid-color hoodie. Just a plain ol’ hoodie. Not one of those ones that have all the piebald designs on them. I am NOT advocating those in ANY way.

Hoodies are great. Hoodies is a stupid word, but so is “shoe.” Say it, “shoe.” That word has always bothered me. Don’t even get me started on flip-flop. You don’t see me not wearing shoes.

I think a hoodie is a situational marvel. Okay, you’re cold, but not that cold. Everywhere in between long-term brisk weather comfort to short-distance car-to-building-to-car cold-weather travel, that is where the hoodie roams. Let’s look at the other options for mild coldness:

Pull-over sweatshirt (with hood and without), sweater - Messes up my hair. If I have a hat on, I have to remove the hat, put on the sweater, then replace the hat. This is tiresome.

Light jacket - Risk subjecting myself to endless “Why don’t you take off your coat and stay awhile!” comments. Looks kind of weird in doors. People, if not uttering platitudes, will also be inclined to inquire constantly: “Are you cold?” This is unnecessary.

Fleece - Same comments as light jacket, and you look like an idiot wearing a fleece when it’s above 45 degrees. The world just isn’t ready for that type of outside-the-box thinking.

Track Jacket - THIS is what you should be hating on. It’s not so much a problem with the track jackets themselves, but rather with the types of people who have chosen to wear them (much like Dave Matthews, as opposed to his fans). Namely, Carls. The rise of the track jacket coincided almost exactly with the Von Dutch hat, though it was not as rapid an ascent, and took a while to gain steam. But the trends peaked at the same time, and their dual acolytes were many! Oh! That was a dark time. While the Von Dutch trend has mercifully met a most complete death, track jackets are still strong sellers in the douche emporiums lining Melrose. Exceptions for soccer warm-ups.

Cardigan - Once yuppies started wearing hoodies, the indie rockers all switched to these. Good move, I think they’re safe this time.

Basically, the hoodie is the best options. It is discreet, discouraging questions as to your internal temperature and desire to extend your visit. It doesn’t mess up your hair when you put it on. Or build up static (forgot that one). It’s universal enough to not bring any judgement upon you. Plus, the hood is great. You lose 40% of your heat through your head (I learned that from Survival Man, great show) so the hood obviously serves a practical purpose, and extends the hoodie’s comfort range (and makes it a tolerable option if you get caught in the rain). It also makes it great for layering purposes (I also do not support the hoodie under blazer look). If you have a jacket with no hood, problem fucking solved man.

Anyhow, hoodies are okay … as long as they aren’t abused.

Board shorts, on the other hand.

-PETE

(That’s it. See you in a month.)