THE JO-TEL …believes some of what Nathaniel and John say, but believes England is still our sovreign

I got glasses last week. So fucking sweet. It’s like I got HDTV for my real life. Remember the first time you ever saw something in HD? For most of us, I’m guessing it was a basketball game; at least, that was the case for me. I remember being blown away by the fact that you could clearly see people sitting pretty far up in the stands. Suddenly the days of “Damn, check out the chick sitting behind Stockton/Stackhouse/Kobe!” were over; enter the days of “Damn, check out the chick about 20 rows behind Gordon/Duncan/Kobe, right behind that tool who obviously waxes his eyebrows!”

That’s what getting glasses is like, even with a prescription as low as mine. I can see so well it’s almost disorienting. Suddenly, instead of squinting slightly to read the street sign at the other end of the block (an average San Francisco block, so like… a couple or three hundred feet or so away), now I can clearly read the street sign two full blocks away. Suddenly I can make out the leaves on trees, and I can actually tell what kinds of birds are flocking overhead. It’s like I’m living in Discovery Channel’s Planet Earth. Except without all the bats.

I actually got two pairs of glasses, for a couple of reasons. First of all, because my vision insurance with my old employer runs out at the end of the month (Ha! Joke’s on you, you fucks!). Second of all, because I wanted to. I like having a dressier pair for shi-shi business meetings and the like, and a chiller pair for just wairing around on the daily. Sort of like how you wouldn’t sport Vans with a suit. Plus I’m bound to lose or break one within a year.

Wait, did I seriously just type “wairing’? That’s ridiculous. Too bad glasses don’t correct your spelling. Anyway: wearing.

So as I was saying, I have a “dressy” pair by Hugo Boss that’s certain to make Shark vomit uncontrollably and refuse to speak to me when I wear them, and a pair by some German company called O Eight (who?) that’s basically the stereotypical emo black-rimmed “coffee shop” glasses and which could possibly get me mobbed by Flyza Minellis if I accidentally wear them to Zeitgeist (I looks goooooood in ‘em). Somehow those were the more expensive of the two… fucking Germans.

But costliness be damned! Having HD eyesight is worth a few hundred dollars. Especially if it means I can impersonate this guy:

-Thrill