THE JO-TEL … illegal blog downfield

This is a PETE classic from the early days of his Jo-tel South existence, during which he was bright-eyed, bushy tailed, and not spelling website "Web site" as is technically correct (obviously) but stupid.

-Shark
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Hot on the heels of my splash at the Entourage Season 3 premiere party, where I managed to get some fuzzy camera phone photos of an extensionless Paris Hilton, I attended yet another event brimming with beautiful celebrities who are better than us last weekend: the Elizabeth Glasser Pediatric AIDS Celebrity Carnival in Brentwood. Aside from the problems inherent in getting comp tickets to a charity fundraiser for kids with AIDS, I managed to not think about it and had a pretty good time anyways. One thing that helped me feel a bit better about being there for free was that upon arrival I realized that I was probably one of like… um… two people in the 20-25 age group. It was kids and parents. Rich kids and rich parents. And I mean rich. Kid's tickets were $500. However bad you feel about freeloading off AIDS orphans, it strongly alleviates your guilt when you're surrounded by 13-year-old girls in four-hundred-dollar sunglasses.

The event was called "A Time For Heroes" and it was basically like a carnival with celebrities as the carnies (Another reason I felt bad was every time I saw the "A Time For Heroes" banners I would read "A Time For Herpes" and start laughing). There was throwing a giant inflatable basketball through a hoop with Paul Pierce and Barron Davis, throwing a football through some rings with Jerry Rice, and, uh, making soap with Melissa Joan Hart. The whole thing was sponsored by Disney, which didn't really make its presence felt except for the totally shitty musical guests, which were featured on Disney Channel shows or something. (I didn't really know what to expect from the music lineup. I figured "Jump 5" was going to suck on name alone (correct) but I saw "The Jonas Brothers" and I thought, hmm, perhaps a bluegrass band that plays kid's songs? Far from it. More like a Jewish Hanson that plays the most reprehensible type of preteen garbage… and really, really needs to fire their stylist. Though I kind of liked their songs "Wanna Dry Hump?" and "Reachin' Up Your Shirt on the Field Trip Bus.")

My main objective at this thing was getting my photograph with Kristin Cavalleri from Laguna Beach. Longtime followers of the Jo-Tel will know about our unhealthy obsession (our meaning Hip E. and I) with that show, though the second season left much to be desired. I encountered a hiccup when I realized that Kristin would be spending her time in the "Disney Princess Jewelry-Making Fairy Tale Kingdom of Pink" or something… The name isn't important. What is is that there was a very long line of 4 to 8-year-old girls waiting with their mothers to get their pictures taken with Kristin, Snow White, Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, Jasmin, and Marcia Cross, and decorate their own Disney Princess crown with glitter and sequins.

Did I mention how hung over I was?

[Ahmad Rashad discussed below!] I needed a warm-up. I looked at the schedule and noticed that Rachel Bilson and Christian Slater we doing the early shift at the Nintendo DS booth. Perfect, I thought! I can practice the small talk on two ACTUAL celebrities AND play some Mario. After a stop by Storybook village to hear Kobe Bryant read… and a stop by the bar to pick up a few bottles of water, I headed towards the Giant Mario. I casually sipped my water while I waited for the line of OC fans to abate while I performed a mental quality control check on possible introduction lines for Slater and Bilson. I didn't have much to work with. I can't really name any movies Christian Slater has starred in since like, Heathers. I figured I should stay away from that horror movie he did with Stephen Dorff and Tara Reid, where she played a genius anthropologist and he played um, her boyfriend ("Where's Tara? Studying?" no). I also figured I should stay away from the whole ass-grabbing controversy ("Hey Christian… I couldn't help but notice that Bilson has no ass. Think they paired you two up on purpose? Smart move." no). I decided that Heathers was my best bet.

Bilson was ever harder. I don't watch The OC and I hadn't read anything about her in US Weekly so I was really drawing a blank. Since she's like 4'11", I could've gone with the height comment, but that was it. All I could think of was making a joke at Mischa Barton's expense. ([point to Bilson's oversized sunglasses] "I think you grabbed Mischa's glasses by mistake. She has a giant head." no. "Where's Mischa? What? She doesn't care about kids with AIDS? What a skank." no). Time was running short however, so I had to make my move. I walked up to Christian, asked if I could get my picture with him, he obliged, and then I let loose with "Hey man, you don't have a cigarette do you? Because I was thinking maybe you could pretend to explode and I could pretend to light it off you?" He took it well. He could tell I was kidding (though I was only half kidding because that would've been a classic picture). I can only assume that he was glad I didn't mention Tara Reid.

One down, I moved onto the diminuitive Bilson… or rather on to her. I had decided in this case, that I was just going to dispense with the lines and get it over with. However, things took a turn in my favor when, after I declined her offer to sign my picture she said "Oh! Thanks!" as in like, what? I'm not good enough to sign your picture? To which I replied "Wait… you're famous?" She seemed amused. Improv baby. I was rolling. After a stop off at the bar for more water, I made a beeline for the Disney Princess Jewelry boutique and queued up. The volunteer passing out pink sashes and asking the little girls "Are YOU a princess too??" ignored me. I was informed by the lady taking pictures that I would be the last one. I looked behind me and was glad to see that there weren't any pissed off moms giving me the ice grill while their daughters cried into their pink sashes. Game time.

ME: So Kristin… of all the booths at this thing you just had to be in the Disney Princess boutique? I couldn't look like a bigger idiot right now. Couldn't you have done the rock wall or something?"

KC: Oh stop pretending you don't love it.
ME: You're right. You got me. After I get my picture with you I'm going to make the most prettiest crown ever!

KC: [laughter]

See that picture? That's not a forced smile. That's genuine.

I spent the rest of the afternoon roaming around, eating free food and looking for Willow Bay. Her husband, Bob Iger, is the, I don't know, Chairman of Disney or something? I wanted to drop the "I had a huge crush on you when I was seven and used to watch you co-host NBA Inside Stuff with Ahmad Rashad." I never got that chance but it was pretty fun anyhow.

I'm so fucking Hollywood.

originally posted by PETE on 6/22/06