This plate exists at my new apartment:

[Dear Readers,

I have delayed this post for about one month because I keep postponing figuring out how to transfer the photo that I took of the plate that is the subject of this post, which is somehow contained on my new camera, to my computer. I just have a block against the whole process. Like the time when I had a block against calling FasTrak and changing my billing information to reflect my new ATM card. Eventually I ran out of money in my FatTrak account and started accruing awesome 35 dollar tickets every time I crossed a toll bridge. Which was everyday. Same with transferring the picture of this plate. But there will be no more delay! Values need to be transvalued! Suffice it to say that the plate is blue and around the circumference it says: “Good-Chear - Friendliness - Hope - Family”

Sincerely,
Shark]

As a threshold matter, “good cheer” should not be hyphenated unless, of course your talking about the good-cheer mobile. But more generally, it must be a really simple mind that is buoyed by these facile slogans. I mean, are there suburbanites out there for whom reading “Friendliness” on a plate makes them feel happier, more brightened by the glow of friends? Are there grandmothers that read “Hope” on dishware and look more optimistically towards their bleak future? Personally, I would be much more benefited by the laughter elicited by a plate that said “Hate - Death - Vengeance - Nothing”. I would buy that plate.

#25

How bad do cold fries taste? If you are like me, you’ve had that moment of lax experimentation where you tell your server at the over-priced urban comfort-food yuppie troph to box up your Yuca Chicken Sandwhich AND the fries as well. What the hell. You take the box home and put it in your refrigerator. You open it the next day and eat the chicken sandwich and it is good, but then you make your second mistake and decide to try one of the fries, thinking “It might be good– the sandwich was good cold!” But, obviously, cold fries are unendibly disgusting. Just don’t take fries to go from a restaurant: it’s not productive.

#26

It’s cool when a name for something becomes so common-place that you don’t even evaluate the merits of the name itself anymore. For instance, the name for the band consisting of Freddie Mercury, Brian May, John Deacon, and Roger Taylor, between the years of 1970 and 1991, is Queen. Now, that’s a pretty funny name for a band of dudes. Okay, maybe Freddie Mercury had the whole bisexual Brechtian excesses thing going pretty strongly, but still: high school boys all over American find it impossibly cool like listen to a rock band called … Queen. But that is the impetus of this little rant: I had hardly ever thought about how weird it is that a heavy metalish rockband has remained cool despite being called Queen. I mean, when’s the last time you realized that The Great Gatsby is a terrible name for a novel, not to mention a novel considered perhaps the best American novel of last century? Fitzgerald certainly must not have been totally happy with it, since the working title remains on the inside cover. But the book’s greatness has been so ingrained that we don’t even question to merits of its title– its label– anymore. It would be like saying the word “tree” sucks and that trees should be called something like “trongs”. On the other side of the spectrum, there are great titles that we no longer appreciate for the same reason. For instance, The Grapes of Wrath is a pretty poetic title that doesn’t really have a linear meaning. It conjures thoughts of the “fruit of labor” and “blood-red wrath” and “sweet toil”. It’s beautifully elusive and evocative. But for millions of high school kids it is just the name for a physically heavy and boring book about farmers. I don’t know how to end this post.

-Shark

That’s an image, taken by Hiromichi Matsuda, of the atomic bomb exploding over Nagasaki, shot almost instantaneously after the detonation. Looked at out of context, this is an interesting but hardly moving image - one of thousands of photos taken of nuclear detonations. But in context, we realize that this is the moment that ended an estimated 45-70,000 lives instantaneously, scorching people up to two miles away with temperatures as high as 7,000 degrees Fahrenheit and winds up to 624mph.

Most striking of all for me is the three men in the foreground; they haven’t even realized what’s happened. They have no idea of the death and destruction that’s about to ensue, but of which we’ve seen so many photos. I think that’s what I find so haunting about this image: it has captured that moment when you think you might still be able to stop the impending accident - that moment when you see the car run the red light, and and see the people unaware in the crosswalk and try to yell at them to look out - but we’re still left with the knowledge of what came next.

-Thrill

“Gamble Away (My Time)”

Time gambles away its celerity
On youth. When you turn, it is begun.
Not learning to bridge the gap. Not
Now. We all just pause and want for that
Smallest of waterfalls to launch
Our feet into the water.

“The (Rapist)”

Bird. Your ash from the beer you drank
Fell from the sky like a
Message from some waterfall that spouts
Platitudinous “fuck you’s” to all
Its so-called friends. You have
No smoking meaning.

“Hurt (a Fly)”

Bridge water bridge water bridge
Water bridge water bridge water
Bridge water bridge water bridge
Water bridge water bridge water
Bridge water bridge water bridge.

“Sunday Sun(day)”

As the small rocks. As the leaves.
First you spread your blanket then
You open your beer to the setting sun.
Your Sunday is like the sun in the atmosphere.
Your bed is like the pillow of your bed.

-Shark

Wikipedia defines waste as "an unwanted or undesired material or substance. It is also referred to as rubbish, trash, garbage, or junk depending upon the type of material and the regional terminology."  I would disagree slightly with the universal connotation that waste is intentionally discarded.  Some of the shit I worked with definitely seemed forcefully evacuated, possibly greatly against the evacuator's will.

But let's not mince words: one of the most remarkable aspects of shit is the smell.  To the well-trained nose, the smelling of shit can actually be sort of an art form.  For instance, any novice can tell the difference between dog shit and human shit - my little cousins could tell you that.  But only the most refined sense can detect the subtle distinction between diarrhea and solid shit, or a morning poop versus an evening poop.   The obvious exception here is the dreaded Morning After Poopie, that Lucifer of shits that comes (you guessed it) the morning after heavy drinking.  Akin to an acute case of colonitis - a very severe illness affecting the colon that I just made up - the MAP is the most dangerous and offensive of all shit.  This is no art in a MAP.

But there are subtler areas of human-shit learning.  For example, color and visual appearance.  We've all heard about corn and nuts coming out in full form in poop, but did you know that the artificial blueberries in From Kashi To Good Friends Blueberry Medley cereal also appear in undigested form in shit logs?  If I had a dollar for every undigested Kashi blueberry I saw in human shit while I was on the job, I'd be able to … well let's just say I'd be a wealthy, wealthy man. But returning to corn, the famous impetus behind the "corn-hole" term, did you know that it's only the SKIN of the corn that doesn't digest?  The insides digest just fine, it's just the skin that has a problem.  It makes sense though, because otherwise, why eat corn? 

Finally, people often blame poo for clogging things.  I got that a lot.  But, in reality, it's always other objects in conjunction with the poo that produces the deadly clogs.  For instance, one time I reached my arm WAY down into a Type b-5 septic pipe– real gnarly one with a dog-leg– only to pull out a handful of two things: condoms and poo.  Baby turtles are also bad.  Those shells can reek havoc on an out-main pipe's elbow joint.  The turtle's body usually don't cause a problem.  The poop breaks them down pretty easily.

-Johnny D*

*not actually posted by Johnny D.

I'm just saying.

-Shark

I blacked out on impact but came to immediately because the wind had been knocked out of me. The nteresting this was that I did not end up on the opposite side of the car from where I hit. In other words I didn’t go tumbling over the hood, but instead hit the car and bounced about 10 feet back the way I came, evidently doing a backflip in the process according to one witness.

I came to and there were lots of people that had either pulled over to help or had just been pedestrians. The impact had knocked off my hat, glasses, and both my shoes. My glasses were okay, which: stoked. So a bunch of people were looking around for my stuff, one lady called an ambulance, which I said i didn’t need but it was probably a good idea, since everyone was pretty amazed that I seemed okay … considering 1) the backflip 2) the fact that the SUV’s front fender had a big ass dent and the windshield had completely spidered from the impact.

The firemen that showed up (paramedics were dispatched from the fire station) took my bike back with them. I took a look at it before getting loaded into the ambulance and it looked miraculously unscathed. Weird.

Got to the hospital, all x-rays were negative. Thought I might have broken my arm but basically the car just gave me the worst charlie horse in history. They gave me vicodin and released me. I felt okay so I came to work, where I proceded to address the many lacerations on my hands that the ER nurses had ignored, probably because the dudes on either side of me were coughing up blood. But I pulled some pretty large splinters of glass out of my hands just now, so that sucked.

Anyhow, I imagine I will stay home from work tomorrow as my neck and back will be not feeling well … and I’ll most likely have to cancel my trip to magic mountain on Saturday. We’ll see.

This installment of PETE’s Corner brought to by Shark

Low angle shot presaging Welles and Toland's work in Citizen Kane:

- Shannon (to Shark)

Here’s a picture of her:

Shark thinks getting a cat is lame, so I know I’ve made the right choice. Those of you coming to the No-Tel barbecue tomorrow can check her out in person.

-Thrill

Everyone that I know wants to see Wall E. Now, if you think that Socrates set a standard that no one can satisfy to a metaphysical perfection when he prescribed “know thyself”, then you might have gleaned that I, a principled salt-mine, don’t claim to “know myself”; therefore, I am able to soundly make the following statement: I don’t want to see Wall E. (Also, please note that I refused to try to the insert the little circle symbol between the “Wall” and the “E”. You don’t even get a dash.) When I tell people this I usually can’t avoid adding my pre-packaged rant, which I will briefly summarize: Pixar does amazing digital animation. Their kid-friendly plot lines are peppered with often-amusing barb and adult humor. Their moves are, therefore, a cut above the average major movie. But that’s where it ends. I have seen many of them. Toy Story is very good. So is The Incredibles. Finding Nemo is horrible because Albert Brooks is mind-bendingly annoying as Nemo’s dad who is constantly trying to find/keep Nemo out of trouble by yelling “NEEEEEEEEEMO” over and over. Same reason I don’t like Lord of the Rings (especially part one), way too much “FROOOOOOOOODO”. Way. Too. Much. But I’m not going to obsess about a bunch of movies just because they are a cut above the standard fair. There are unmitigated shit-loads of great movies from previous decades and generations that a lot of people I know will never watch [FN1] because they’re too busy waiting in line for the next Judd Apatow-approved, irreverence-baiting, but-ultimately-morality-spewing, sort-of-pretty-funny comedy. I’m not saying boycott modern movies at all. Sideways is one of my favorite movies. But people need to use the value of hindsight more to check what other astute watchers have deemed worthy through the years, what has floated to the top. Just like the dumb masses can be baited into going to see Bruckheimer movies like Kangaroo Jack, I think the intelligent masses can be baited in to the one-foot-in-the-art-house one foot in the Big Studio movies like Knocked Up. Either path one is an abnegation of personality.

Aaaaaaaaand I’m ranting again. But the point is: life is a one-time blank slate, might as well participate in a bunch of weird stuff that no one else is doing. And then get your friends to join along.

-Shark

FN1: Examples/Recommendations

Weekend (Godard)
Rules of the Game (Renoir)
The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari (Weine)
His Girl Friday (Hawks)
Kiss Me Deadly (Roberts)
L’Ecclise (Antonioni)
The Long Goodbye (Altman)
The Trial (Welles)
Fallen Angels (Wong Kar-wei)
The Apu Trilogy (Ray)
Richard III (Olivier)
Mon Oncle (Tati)

The inverse corrallery is when someone leaves any section other than the sports section, like the front page for instance. There’s nothing worse then seeing the newspaper, getting all excited, and then realizing that you’ll have to read about some boring, non-sports-related topic. Not that I don’t like keeping up on the boring news. It’s just that the bathroom is for reading about sports. That’s all there is to it. There’s something antithetical about browsing through an article about supply and demand markets in Rhodescia while sitting on a toilet in a room that smells like poop and farts.

-Shark

***
Many thanks to VH1, who could not wait until 2011 to release a version of “I Love the (decade)” for the 00’s. They could just not wait to have a slew of unfunny comedians and musicians/actors that think they are comedians make bad jokes useing their best sarcasm voices and put it out in 2008, 2 years before the actual end of the decade. Hey guys, remember that thing in pop culture from 8 months ago in 2007 that everyone is actually still using and is still relevant and does not give you any moment whatsoever of “hey, I remember using/wearing that! Oh man that was lame!”? How can the “celebrity” commenters be sarcastic about something that they still have? I don’t know either. I’m pretty sure that it takes longer than 8 months for something to become tragically cool or hip. It will be funny in ten years when they are doing “I Love 2008″ and they make fun of the fact they put out an “I Love the (decade)” before the end of the decade. I mean, WHO DOES THAT ANYWAY (snark, snark)?!?!?!!?!!?

***
The original three Star Wars movies are usually on one of many cable channels on a repeat basis, especially on weekends. Usually, I will stop flipping long enough to watch one for 15 minutes or so. Lately, I have noticed something I think is rather peculiar about the original Star Wars movies, namely the complete benevolence of the Empire in their role as “captors” (Jabba the Hut taking them out to be eaten by the sand monster thing does not count, as Jabba is not part of the Empire. He’s his own Jabba). The various heroes get captured a thousand times in the three movies, correct? But for how ruthlessly evil we are supposed to think the planet-destroying Empire is, every time they capture members of the rebel alliance its almost like they are simply arresting them for disturbing the peace or something. They’re rebels! They are not even “Prisoners of War”. Say for example, the Empire had to abide by the Geneva convention or its long time ago in a galaxy far, far away equivalent. Luke, Han and the gang would not fall under its protection because they are not a nation and the rebellion is not a conventional war. Historically, rebels are almost always treated worse than regular soldiers (save our own country’s civil war) because rather than being foreigners fighting for their government rebels are home-grown and are committing treason. The rebel alliance is an insurrection. Which begs the question of why there is no beatings, no leg irons, not even verbal beratement. Every time one of them is captured they are just paraded around hearing vague threats about the dark side. The storm troopers “guarding them” don’t even rob them of personal possessions. They just walk next to them. They get handcuffed in the front! Not even the-classic-any-movie-you’ve-ever-seen-when-a-good-guy-is-captured-by-bad- guys-and-the-bad-guys-want-to-move-the-good-guy-they-ALWAYS-give-him- an-obligatory-rifle-butt-to-the-back-and-a-shout-of-MOVE-ALONG! Maybe when Lucas re-re-re-releases the film he can CGI in some shit so where Luke, Han etc. are treated like actual “rebels” and summarily shot. Or at least kicked in the groin.

***
Its fun to build furniture wearing nothing but boxer shorts and an open bathrobe, drinking red wine out of a tumbler. Stay classy.

-Turd

–Liz Phair

http://www.pitchforkmedia.com/article/feature/51430-interview-liz-phair

(thanks to BMK12000 for the tip)