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August 2005

August 1st, 2005 · No Comments

The Jo-Tel… is not sure what it was doing in Utah this morning

Happy Birthday, Jo-Tel

Today you are one. Your blog street cred is so, so strong. All the 3-6 month-old blogs tremble before your awesome might, and staggering amount of content. Your total awesomeness has caused many of your egotistical readers to start their own blogs, some of which are good, some of which feature pictures of children for weeks at a time.

Today is a day for celebration. Today we are truly shit hot.

Posted by PETE 2005-08-31 11:48:06

Dream from Last Night

There was some kind of criminal savant guy who had done some bad crime, but most of the time he was a really nice guy.  They kept him in a place with a big pool because it turned out he was an incredible swimmer.  He would teach the other inmates to swim, and maybe also he was allowed to give swim lessons to children.  He had made the important discovery of how to swim the “Forty-Foot Tube” in one breath.  Forty-Foot Tube must have just been the name of the thing, because really it was an underwater cave with all sorts of ins and outs, and it was much longer than forty feet.  He took me through it.  He had figured out exactly where this fast-moving current went and if you stayed in the current it would whip you through the cave.  I followed him and it was pretty exhilerating, but he was obviously better at it than me and through a succession of minor deviations from the current I started falling farther behind him, which made it really hard to stay in the current because I had to strain to look ahead to where he had gone in order to follow his path.  At the end, my breath was running out quickly and I was about to go into panic when I finally shot out of the cave into the air. 

Posted by Hip E.  8/29/2005  12:15pm

A Concept for an Animated Short Film interpretation of my Job Search thus far

I developed this sketch while having a hard time sleeping at Linda’s house last night:

Shot of a clown

Someone off camera:  So you’re looking for work?  Why don’t you tell us a little about yourself and your qualifications?

(chuckles nervously)  Oh, no…  no..  that’s OK, you don’t want me to bore you with that stuff..
heh, heh, no, that’s OK, nice of you to ask and everything…
(nervous chuckle)..

so I ordered the new Cormac McCarthy book off of
.. got a Frank Sinatra CD so I could get the free super-saver shipping..


… it’s supposed to be a good CD for hooking up to..
.. yeah

(this continues for four months)

Posted by Hip E.  8/29/2005  12:06pm

Move Over Roscoe…

I am not a wine drinker. I have never bought a bottle of wine at any store that wasn’t a gift for someone else. (Carlo Rossi does not count as wine.) I drink beer and tequila… well actually I’ll drink anything but I’ll generally only spend money on beer and tequila. However, last year I went to Chez panisse and they served this rosé which I though was just incredible. So incredible that about a month later I actually walked into the Jug Shop looking for it. I had never ever done this before, and never since, and there is a very strong possibility that it will never, ever happen again. All I remembered though was that it was pink (I didn’t know it was a rosé, I thought there were lots of pink wines… See?), the bottle was clear and the label was white with black letters and it had a picture of a tree on it. Unsurprisingly they couldn’t really pin down what I was after. So, as I was going to Chez Panisse again last night I was really, really hoping they would have it, and that our host would order some. They did, and he did, but at first I was a bit thrown off because there wasn’t a tree anywhere on the label. Don’t know where I got that from. Anyhow, I highly recommend that you all go out and get yourself a bottle of Domaine Tempier Bandol Rosé and drink it on a hot day, preferably accompanied by many varieties of fruit and cheese. Wear something gauzy.

I’ve head that rosés are supposed to be for the uncultured because they’re sweet and lack complexity or something along those lines. But if it’s good enough to be on the (relatively) short wine list at Alice Waters’, then it probably good enough for you. Also, I found this review on the wine blog. I don’t exactly understand what this guy is talking about most of the time but it sounds interesting and I do understand a 10/10. So I guess that makes exactly one area in which I have natural good taste.

The Mourvedre grapes which make up this wine (wines from the Bandol appellation must have at least 50%) are grown painstakingly by hand with microscopic yields, on terraced stone hillsides so steep and narrow that the family’s tractors need rollbars to avoid certain death should they topple down the hill. No herbicides, no irrigation, weeding by hand, fertilization by hand sown remains of the must from the previous year’s vintage. The harvest is also by hand and the grapes are painstakingly destemmed 100% because Mourvedre stems apparently remain green even when ripe and can contribute undesirable green flavors to the wine.

No cultured (foreign yeasts) are used in the production of the wine, only natural ones from the vineyard, and in a remarkable showing of patience and vinicultural tradition, the wines are allowed to finish their fermentation naturally no matter how long it takes. Lynch relates in his book that the 1971 vintage took FOUR YEARS. Any other modern vintner (perhaps anyone really sane) would have inoculated the wine with some additional yeast to complete fermentation, and in doing so, at least according to the Tempier family, would have ruined the wine. Such is the mindset, and the devotion, that goes into every bottle produced by the family and, frankly, it shows.

Tasting Notes:

This wine is magically colored a perfect salmon hue, and smells of summer peaches, green grasses, and strawberries with cream. In the mouth it is just as delightful with flavors of peach and cantaloupe surrounding a bright, dry, mineral acidity that is completely without bitterness. The wine finishes with a gorgeous, lengthy taste of honey and orange blossom. I have never had such a refreshing, delightful rose.

Overall Score: 10

How Much?: $22

Did I just post a wine review on the Jo-Tel? You know it. Man… we’re going to have to post like 4 or 5 more things about poo or ball sweat to balance this month out.

Posted by PETE 2005-08-26 19:27:58

Optical Illusions

are great. I have this one where if you stare at one of my jokes long enough, it becomes funny!

Keep staring.

Anyhow, since you’re bored right now you should go to this Web site instead. 57 optical illusions for your time wasting pleasure. I recommend the “Lilac Chaser” especially.

Posted by PETE 2005-08-26 18:48:54

My life is pretty awesome…

I just gotta share that I’m really feeling great about stuff in general right now, mostly thanks to the last couple days.

Aside from finally breaking my one and done date curse this week, last night I ate a free meal at the best restaurant in the US, Chez Panisse (as voted by the editors of Gourmet magazine). They had peach ice cream for desert, which I haven’t had since I used to eat it at Peterson’s Ice Cream when I was like 8 and they had the Domaine Tempier Bandol Rose which is by far my favorite wine. By far. Then I came home and while getting ready to go out, I found $23 in a coat I haven’t worn in some time. That’s probably a record for me because really, who forgets $23? So that was awesome. Then we went out to the Cat Club for 1984 and brought back the pants off nights of Jo-Tel lore. Nothing like walking through a bar sans culottes, stopping people, pointing to your underwear and telling them “GET YOUR MOTHER FUCKING PANTS OFF RIGHT NOW!! I SAID NOW!!” and some of them actually listening to you and none of them punching you in the face or neck or calling the police. We convinced one guy and two girls to join us. One of the girls was a classy young lady named Asa and while she was dancing with me, her boyfriend (or so I assume) came over and started cursing her out and calling her a slut (which was totally unfair becasue for a girl in her underwear she was dancing pretty non-slutty). Then he walked out of the bar flipping her off. She was a good sport about it though. As a bonus, I didn’t lose my cell phone or my wallet like last time I took my pants off in a bar.

My turtle shoes are pretty dirty though.

This morning I woke up after drinking from 7pm to 3am feeling great. Today I went to eat lunch with my friend Natalie who works at Gap’s corporate headquarters (Which reminds me, congratulations to Natalie and Ross on their engagement and upcoming wedding in… LAGUNA BEACH! Also, Natalie just got back from her bachelorette party in Vegas where she met and drank with Brett Michaels and C.C. DeVille (who will be on the next season of the Surreal Life – you heard it here first) Beat that ladies.). They have the most amazing cafeteria ever. Everything is restaurant quality and insanely cheap and today they had the sweet potato fries. I also got to work to find my inbox brimming with good news. My mom has agreed to pay my $300 dental bill, I got invited to a party tonight for SF fashion week (bitchy models who won’t talk to me!) and perhaps the best news I’ve ever heard, that Merz might be getting a few cases of Sunkist Sparkling Lemonade, a gesture of friendship so awesome it deserves it’s own post. Plus the Merriam Webster Word-of-the-Day today is quite possibly the best one ever, better than the day it was “ninja”. Check it out:

schlemiel \shluh-MEEL\ noun

: an unlucky bungler : chump

Example sentence:

“What a schlemiel,” sighed Evelyn, watching Frank trip his way up to the bowling lane and throw yet another ball straight into the gutter.

Did you know?

“Schlemiel,” from the Yiddish “shlemil,” has sometimes been associated with Peter Schlemihl, the hero of a story about an unlucky man who sold his shadow to the devil, by German writer Adelbert von Chamisso. While this story may have helped to popularize “schlemiel,” the word probably has much older roots. The Hebrew name “Shelumiel” is mentioned in the Bible (Numbers 1:6), and the Talmud describes Shelumiel as a man whose behavior earned derision and an unfortunate fate. A “schlemiel” in modern English usage is a chronic blunderer or loser, and is sometimes paired with the less common “schlimazel,” another Yiddish word for an unlucky or bungling person.


I like the example sentence the best. Also, after two weeks of shitty cold weather, it’s finally beautiful here in SF. The White Sox have won 3 of 4 and the one loss was a pretty awesome game anyhow (Santana’s 3-hitter beat Garcia’s 1-hitter… HA!). Tomorrow Shark and I and whoever else is down are going to the water park in Concord and we’re going to get drunk off giant cans of Foster’s, smoke menthols, and stare at trashy high school girls.

It’s supposed to be 94 degrees.

Right now I’m listening to 98 Degrees.

Yep… things are really on the upswing here in Keeleyville. Now if only Downs could stop having more fun than me…

Posted by PETE 2005-08-26 18:26:50

Steve Jobs Is All Up In My Dome and Doing Annoying Ass Shit All Over My Brain Hemispheres

Look. Steve Jobs used to have hair and now he's almost bald. That's discouraging. Steves Jobs is a penis.  Because of his marketing acumen iTunes is the most ubiquitous piece of software since Windows.  Now, don’t get me wrong, iTunes is a good program.  It has centralized several previously disparate music-related operations and made listening to illegally-obtained music so, so much easier.  But, of late, there’s one glaring flaw in iTunes that is driving me Syd Barrett/Quentin Compson crazy (seriously, I’m going to tear out the hands of my wristwatch to make time stop).  As sophisticated as iTunes is, the Apple programmers are either too inept or too cruel to make it so that one song seamlessly flows into the next song.  This applies to both burned CDs and music played on the computer.  And don’t give me that bullshit about “why don’t you just go to Audio Preferences and change the space between songs to 0″ because that does not fix that the burned CD problem and, even when just playing mp3s on the computer, there is still an audio hiccup between songs.  I feel like there may never be a day when I can listen to The Olivia Tremor Control’s “Jumping Fences” transition smoothly into “Define a Transparent Dream.”  And that’s just not right.  And then there’s the issue of how Apple slaps you in the face with its ineffectual “updates” that make absolutely no discernable alteration to the program’s operation but sure as hell get your hopes up that maybe this update will finally address said fundamental flaw.  But no.  And I am left to stumble through this bleak world of bastardized music.  I have been too long i’ the sun!  Something is rotten in Denmark!  The dogs of doom are howling more!  I am living in world of shit!  Mista Kurtz … he dead!  Forget about it, Jake, it’s Chinatown!  Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, she was only 14 years old!!!

Posted by Shark 8/25/05 9:10pm

On Being Unemployed

Today I was sitting on the front porch, listening to Jack Johnson sing “Plastic Jesus -> Fall Line”.  The sun beat down on my broad shoulders as I sipped my 32 oz. Coors, smoked a slightly stale Camel, and read “Tender is the Night.”  It’s a great book, but I was getting a little stuffy in my cotton shorts and boxers.  It was unseasonably hot in San Francisco today.  Not to beat around the bush, but my balls were sweating.  A dark truck loomed up and sighed to rest in front of the Jo-tel.  A man got out and brought a small package up the stairs.  I gladly signed for it and stepped inside the front door to put on my brand new pair of Patagonia Capilene Core Performance lightweight synthetic boxer briefs, ordered on the internet yesterday at 40% off regular price, with free shipping to boot!  Situated I returned to my book, secure in the wicking snug of some of the best underwear capitalism can cause to be sewn. 

Posted by Hip E.  8/25/2005  5:45pm

Downs Under

Haven’t heard from Downs in a while. For a while there he was going strong with the stories from Aussieland. Now I assume he’s gotten comfortable, holed up in some basement in Melbourne, eating Flamin’ Hot Cheetos and masturbating to our high school yearbook, working at Blockbuster, etc. However I guess I was wrong, as he’s currently scuba diving on the Great Barrier Reef. He also had this to say, which is funny.


I just learned in my Scuba diving course that anemone fish, such as the clownfish so beloved by children the world over known as Nemo, is a transexual fish. That means that in a situation such as the one presented by the movie, where the female and all but one egg is eaten by a barracuda, what would happen is that Marlin would change into a female, and Nemo would bone the shit out of Marlin. Not very Disney.

That… is disturbing.

Posted by PETE 2005-08-24 19:55:11

Mythbusters – or PETE’s English Major Dork Update Lite

Taking a cue from Shark’s Guffman-like (read, more hilarious with repeated viewings) law cases posts, and because the purpose of the Jo-Tel above all else is to educate and elucidate, I’ve decided to bust a few language myths this month. It’s been a busy week for me and arguing about word/phrase origins/meanings and lo I come to find out that I was wrong in every case! Oddly enough, no one else was ever right. Eiither all parties were wrong or the other person didn’t have an opinion and I was just dropping knowledge, as is my wont, or so I thought! But I’m a big man (in some respects) and I can admit when I was wrong so in an effort to correct my errors I present the following three corrections:

1. The Windy City.

I’ve been positive about this one for going on 6 years now. Coming from Chicago to Berkeley I would daily run into people who, upon telling them where I was from, would invariably reply “Ahh… The Windy City…” and generally follow up with the question “So… is it really windy there?” to which I would just as invariably reply “Well actually the windiest city in American is San Francisco. The nickname ‘The Windy City’ originated around the turn of the century and was actually in reference to the ‘hot air’ blown about by the city’s politicians.” “Oh,” they’d say. And I would be satisfied with myself for playing my part in using the light of knowledge to extinguish the torch of ignorance… or some such thing.

Turns out I was wrong. From one of my favorite Web sites,

Popular myth has it that this nickname for the Chicago was coined by Charles Dana, the editor of the New York Sun, in 1893. Chicago was competing with New York to host the 1893 Columbian Exposition and Dana allegedly coined the name as a derogatory moniker. Supposedly the term is not a reference to the winds off Lake Michigan as one might suppose, but rather refers to the Chicagoan habit of rabid boosterism and shameless boasting. To a New Yorker like Dana, Chicago was full of hot air.

The story simply isn’t true. The name dates to at least 1885, and clearly refers to the breezes off the lake. 1885 references include “city of winds” as well as “Windy City.” This isn’t new information either. Mathew’s Dictionary of Americanisms, published some 50 years ago, includes an 1887 quotation of “Windy City, but the myth persists–largely due to newspaper reporters and editors who repeat the tale without checking the facts.

However, I don’t think I was completely wrong because I suspect, and Hip E. agrees, having read The Devil In The White City, which has something to say on the subject, that the term, even if it did originate from the winds off the lake, was popularized by Dana and his magnificent double entendre. I have no evidence of this fact, but it makes me less wrong.

Note: I was also wrong about SF being the windiest city in America. Evidently that’s Boston. Yet another reason why Boston sucks, and why everyone who was born there moved to Russian Hill to annoy me.

2. Mark Twain once said “The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco.”

No, actually he never said that, which is surprising because Mark Twain said a lot of things. In my favorite Mark Twain book, Roughing It, which you all should read (I recommend the Bancroft Library edition which has over 200 pages of entertaining footnotes, and which also includes the inflammatory anti-Mor-MON chapter which was cut by his editors… there’s still lots of good anti-Mor-MON stuff that didn’t get too including an absolute evisceration of the Book Of Mormon from a linguistic perspective. Good stuff.) because it’s the funniest book ever written by anyone including David Sedaris (The gays are going to hurt me for that one), he does say you should never be without a coat during summer in San Fran but the above quote is still unsourced.

3. Wop, the derogatory term for greasy dagos, originated from Ellis Island where many Italians immigrated to the country With Out Passport. I thought this was the case because I made the mistake of not fact checking something Professor Truth told me. No offense meant to Professor Truth, because obviously I went around lying to everyone about Chicago and San Francisco for years, but it’s always good to fact check. I actually found the REAL truth from wordorigins while looking up Windy City. So… here you go:

Like many other etymologies contained in these pages, this one is not certain, although most authorities agree on the likely origin. It probably derives from the Italian dialectical guappo, or thug. This in turn derives from the Spanish guapo, meaning a dashing braggart or bully, and which eventually derives from the Latin vappa, meaning flat wine or scoundrel.

The earliest usage in the OED2 dates to 1912 and is spelled wap, which supports the derivation from guappo. The next usage cite, from 1914, uses the more familiar spelling of wop.

The OED2 does, however, list an acronym for wop. It is more properly written W/Op, and is Second World War-era Royal Air Force slang for wireless operator. The 1937 reference for this usage clearly indicates that the unofficial spelling was derogatory, certainly in association with the more general usage.

So now you know. Tell your friends. Disclaimer: I’m Italian, so I can say WOP. Shitty shitty wop wop, shitty shitty wop wop, how do ya’ do?

Posted by PETE 2005-08-24 19:48:21

Top Ten Law School Cases 

10. Krell v. Henry (1904)

Contracts is my least favorite law school subject.  I am immediately both sceptical and repulsed by those who profess an affinity for this driest of topics.  However, contracts does boast a wide array of colorful cases. 

In Krell, the plaintiff made a written contract to rent his apartment to the defendant for two days to view the coronation procession of King Edward VII. After the agreement was made the coronation was cancelled because the King fell ill. Defendant then refused to pay the balance of the rent. The court ruled that he was justified in not paying reasoning that the taking place of the processions along the route in front of the apartment was regarded by both parties as the foundation of the contract.  This is why you can get a refund for your Laker championship tickets on a rare year when the Lakers do not make the championship.  This is not a problem in Oregon because the Blazers have not made it to the NBA finals since 1990. 

9. Wood v. Lucy (1917)

The prominent style-monger, Lady Duff Gordon entered into a seemingly ill-advised contract with the local retailer-plaintiff that gave the plaintiff the exclusive rights to sell Lady Duff Gordon’s cutting-edge fashions in the up-and-coming Rodeo Drive commercial district.  When Rodeo started to blow up, Lady Duff tried to get out the contract.  She correctly noted that most bilateral contracts require “consideration” or bargained for legal detriment on both sides of the agreement.  Here, she argued, the plaintiff-retailer was not actually obligated to do anything in exchange for receiving the benefit of being Lady Duff’s exclusive dealer on Rodeo.  The court, however, held that the plaintiff did have an obligation under the contract – it was, of course, the duty of good faith and fair dealing that we, the court, are reading into this contract and contracts more generally for the first time in legal history.  Duh!

After this case was resolved, Lady Duff found herself at the center of another, less obscure historical event.  She was a passenger on the Luisitania, the American pleasure vessel that was sunk by a German u-boat – an event often credited with pulling the United States reluctantly into WWI.  Notoriously, Lady Duff – wealthy despite the outcome of the aforementioned case – bribed her way onto one of the ship’s only escape vessels and made it safely back to Britain.  What a bitch. 

8. Ghen v. Rich (1881)

In 1880, Ghen harpooned and mortally wounded a whale off the coast of Massachusetts with a distinctive “bomb-lance.”  Rich stumbled upon the whale, which “was found stranded on the beach in Brewster within the ebb and flow of tide 17 miles from the spot where it was killed.”  Rich then proceeded to try out the oil and sell it.  In case you were wondering, the average yield of oil is about 20 barrels to a whale. 

The court let local custom decide the outcome of the case.  According the general practice in the area, the harpooner got rights to the whale’s blubber minus a reasonable salvage fee to be given to the person who discovered the whale on shore and notified the harpooner.  So, in the end, Rich got some money for performing the arduous task of … discovering a whale on a public beach? 

7. Sherwood v. Walker (1887)

Two farmers entered in a contract for a female cow.  While never made explicit, both farmers operated under the impression that the cow was fertile, as, apparently, a barren cow is useless.  Should this mistake invalidate the contract?  The answer is, emphatically, yes.  Because the mistake was bilateral and involved a material fact that went to the heart of the agreement, the mistake was considered a defense to the enforcement of the contract.  If you ever enter into an agreement to purchase a cow, you might want to keep this case in mind. 

6. Wickard v. Filburn (1942)

One of the duties of Roosevelt’s Agricultural Adjustment Agency (AAA) was to set production quotas for farmers.  Wickard was one such farmer.  In the waning years of the Depression, he feared that he would not be able to feed his family and decided to exceed the production quotas and give the excess to his family.  The government sued him. 

The Supreme Court was forced to determined whether the Commerce Clause gave Congress power to regulate Wickard’s farming activity.  Pursuant to the Commerce Clause, Congress may regulate “interstate commerce”.  But Wickard was not selling his excess grain!  Nor did his actions involved interstate activites.  Or so he argued. 

The Supreme Court held that economic actions can be aggregated in order to determine whether a wholly intrastate activity can have interstate implications such that Congress can regulate the activity under the Commerce Clause.  The ruling was a blatant validation of the New Deal and of pump priming economics more generally.  The Roosevelt Court is the McGarnagle of Supreme Courts.  It was obvious that they were not playing by the rules.  “You’re a loose cannon, Roosevelt Court, I don’t now why I keep you on the force.”  “Because they gets RESULTS!!!”

5. Summers v. Tice (1948)

Courts and law professors cite the shit out of this little California case.  There’s just something special about it.  Two guys on a quail hunting trip fire dangerously in the direction of their third friend while trying to shoot at a bird.  They both miss the bird but one hits the third guy in the eye.  Both guns had the same bullets.  Thus, because it was impossible to tell who actually shot the bullet that hit the plaintiff, the court determined that both shooters could be held liable in the case against the plaintiff.  This is called alternative causation.  Yes!

Update by PETE: Keep this in mind at your next gang bang!

4. Marbury v. Madison (1803)

Until Bush v. Gore, Marbury was the most politically charged case ever decided by the Supreme Court.  The dispute arose in the midst of a bitter shift in political power.  Federalist John Adams, after just one term, had been defeated by “Republican” Thomas Jefferson.  During his acrimonious last days in office, John Adams made several “midnight appointments” of federal judges.  Among these last-minute appointments was the Federalist Marbury.

While Adams delivered the appointments, his secretary of state neglected to endorse and deliver them before he was forced out of office by the incoming secretary, future President James Madison.  Madison, hoping to prevent the appointments of Federalist judges, refused to endorse the appointments. 

Enter John Marshall, the George Washington of Supreme Court justices.  This guy was a man among boys on the early Supreme Court.  At the time, Supreme Court justices personally travelled to the various federal circuits to hear each dispute.  This rigorous schedule discouraged many qualified jurists from accepting appointments to the Supreme Court.  John Jay, the first Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, lasted only three years before stepping down to pursue his more remembered career as a diplomat (think the XYZ affair).  Among a group of tired and often unqualified Supreme Court jurists, Marshall ran the show.  He also had a huge penis and got more touch than North Carolina. 

The first issue was whether the appointment papers themselves – delivered but not endorsed – were legally valid.  Madison basically argues, “no, they’re not.”  Marshall counters with, “yes they are.”  And then pats his hands together: “Next!” Madison: “Chicken necks?!”

In between the lines of this conversation, the case makes a necessary and uber-fundamental holding: namely, that the Supreme Court has the power to interpret federal laws (a.k.a judicial review).  Here, the federal law stated that judicial appointments needed to be endorsed by the proper executive official.  Marshall essentially disregarded this requirement because of the clear indicia of intent to appoint in this instance.  In the process, he threw out the child-like yet oft-quoted observation that “it is decidedly the power of the judiciary to say what the law is.”  Then he taddled on Thomas Jefferson, who was put in time out. 

3. Pennoyer v. Neff  (1877)

I still don’t understand this case. 

2. Pierson v. Post (1805)

Post, with the aid of his dogs and hounds, pursued and mortally wounded a fox.  The hunt began on a public beach but ended on the private property of Pierson.  In fact, the fox was ultimately captured by Pierson.   Post sued Pierson for the rights to the fox’s lucrative pelt. 

The court decided that Post was the rightful owner.  According to Justice Tompkins,  “Actual bodily seizure is not indispensable to acquire right to, or possession of, wild beasts; but … on the contrary, the mortal wounding of such beasts by one not abandoning his pursuit may, with the utmost propriety, be deemed possession of him.” 

In dissent Justice Livingston sought a solution more conducive to the eradication of “a beast so pernicious and incorrigible”.  To him, the court’s ruling should have encouraged all sportsman, at all points in the hunt, to destroy the noxious animal.  Thus, according to Livingston, the last person to capture to fox should be its rightful owner. 

For those who think this to be a purely historical subject matter, should note that the famous Barry Bonds baseball case actually turned on the judge’s acceptance of the Pierson or the Ghen theory of possession.  Judge McCarthy’s Solomonic verdict in that case was a result of his choice of the Ghen rule, discussed above. 

1. Erie v. Tompkins (1938)

The best case ever.  On a starry Pennsylvania evening, Tompkins returned from work by his usual route along the railroad tracks.  However, unlike most of his trips on the path next to the railroad tracks, this time a protruding object from a passing train struck him on the arm.  The arm was later amputated.  Tompkins sued Erie Railroad. 

[Breath in aaaaand exhale:]  Tompkins was a Pennsylvania resident and Erie was a New York corporation but Pennsylvania common law required that plaintiffs suing railroads or other utilities show gross negligence on the part of the railroad while federal common law only required negligence so Tompkin’s lawyer sought to engage in what is called forum shopping and get into a federal court based on diversity jurisdiction so that the federal court would apply its own substantive common law and ignore the common law of the state where the accident occured so that Thompkins would only have to prove negligence, which could probably be done with the help of res ipsa loquitor but Cardozo and a few other justices on the Supreme Court had been vehemently opposed to forum shopping even since Black and Yellow Taxicab in which the plaintiff was able to create a lawsuit that did not exist under state law by incorporating in another state, getting into federal court based on diversity, and suing under federal common law, which allowed a lawsuit where the state did not allow a lawsuit, so Cardozo and the rest had been looking for a strong case to make a ruling that would end the “evils” of forum shopping and poor Tompkins’ claim became the perfect vessel for their ruling and when the case made it to the Supreme Court, the Court held that when state substantive law conflicted with federal substantive (not procedural) common law, then the state law would control, forcing Thompkins to prove gross negligence, which he could not do and, thus, after a two year struggle received no compensation for his injuries.  The end. 

 Posted by Shark 8/22/05 11:10am

Stephan Jenkins

Of Third Eye Blind will be at Opera Ball this year. The Ballet got Paris Hilton… we get Stephan Jenkins. It’s kind of cool in a way because it’s not every day you get to meet the front man of you least favorite band of all time. It would be like Shark meeting Dave Matthews, or Hip E. meeting… um, I don’t actually know what Hip E.’s least favorite band of all time is. Maybe if Katon started a band… Anyhow, I hear Stephan’s going to be sitting at a table with Chris O’Donnell and the other guy from Wham! We’re talking MEGAWATT Starpower folks.

Posted by PETE 2005-08-17 20:17:47

Give me 5

While the Jo-Tel has suffered from lack of attention and affection as of late (much like myself), I’m been directing my funny towards articles for the Phat Phree. It really sucks to have my material lambasted by guys like STEVE:

Today’s articles fuckin blow, and this one sucks the fattest blackest dick. I almost got through the entire thing, almost. But then I thought about better things I could do to pass the time so I began snapping my balls in a mousetrap while nodding my head to Rod Stewart on the Muzak. It was awesome. By the way Pete, ever suck a dick out there in SanFran just cuz all your friends were doing it? Just curious.

but hey, I figure learning to write for a mass audience of idiot fratboy meatheads has got to come in handy at some point (I’ll probably steal that mousetrap line, actually). So anyways, here’s my latest article Apple Introduces New iPod One. Except for Steve here, it’s probably been better received that anything else I’ve done for the site. Please rate it a 5 and send it to your friends who maybe have iPod or hate iPods or are self-loathing iPod owners like me. I’d also like to thank Professor Truth for the sweet iPod One graphic. Just what I had in mind.

Also, please read and 5 my friend Jonah’s article about developments in pre-natal advertising, or Wombvertising. It’s good satire and only 12 votes away from making best of August. Noam Chomsky called it “Chilling.” Also notice illustrious commenter STEVE putting in his 2 cents. Anyhow, I’m going to go drinking.

Posted by PETE 2005-08-17 19:42:57

We Suck…

Yes, I know it’s been a week. Almost two for me. Shark and Hip E are off on their week long camping trip which was postponed by the pre-Shasta wreck. As for me, lets see… the weather here sucks ass, the White Sox are on a 4 game slide, most likely 5 since they’re busy losing right now, I have to go to the doctor about my shoulder again tomorrow, a shoulder which has already cost me $600 out of pocket and is 0% better and I’m still recovering from the salt storm that was Shark’s Shasta rankings. Also, I’m not looking forward to having to go home right now and yell at Reid for splattering lemon frosting all over the inside of our fridge. Basically, I need a waambulance is what I’m trying to say. I don’t want to post anything today either, but I promised Pliska.

It’s funny. The one year anniversary of the Jo-Tel is two weeks away and here it is seemingly dying a salt related death. Shark gave it 3 months. He was right in some respects, as that how long his Jo-Tunes project lasted, but even I’m impressed that we stuck it out this long. I expected some Network-like argument between Hip E. and I to send readers running for the hills, but that didn’t happen. Except for Hip E.’s occasional attempts to turn the Jo-Tel into Talking Points Memo, and our occasional lapses in activity, things have gone pretty smoothly. Now we just need to concentrate on being funny once in a while.

Posted by PETE 2005-08-17 19:09:14

Wear Your Seatbelt

OK, here’s what happened:  Shark, Linda, Patsy and I were driving up to Redding the night before Shasta.  I drove first, as I had rented the car.  At some point we stopped for food and then Shark took over so I could eat my Jack In The Box.  About half an hour later, around 10pm, we were going North on I-5 at about 70mph.  Shark’s new mix CD was playing, specifically the song “Monkey’s Back” by Menomena.  I was in the passenger seat, Linda was behind Shark, and Patsy was behind me.  Light emitted from our headlights bounced off a dark object in the road ahead of us and collided with our retinas at exactly the speed of light.  When we saw the thing, which was about a foot and a half tall and about four feet wide, it was already too late to avoid it.  I didn’t even have time to make a noise.  Shark was able to move left enough that we only hit it with the front right wheel.  We popped up on two wheels and slammed back down, causing the car to begin swerving.  The front right tire was probably blown out from the impact and the swerving wuickly  turned into violent fishtailing.  We made one last swerve to the left and I saw the bushes coming at us.  The thought in my mind then was “well, we’re definitely not going to not mess up the rental car now.”  We hit the oleander and started rolling to the right, we think.  The airbags deployed as we rolled over two or three times, ending up upside down in the shoulder next to the fast lane of I-5 South.

When we stopped it was dark and quiet for a second, then Shark and I were like “Is everybody OK?” and everyone immediately responded.  We undid our seatbelts and crawled out through one of the rear side windows.  Then we were all just standing there next to the car going “wow.”  Upside down cars look weird and scary.  Patsy and Inga hadn’t been wearing their shoes so they were both barefoot.  There were unopened margarita mix bottles on the road next to the car because we were headed to Shasta.  Happily, none of us had drank or smoked anything.  A bunch of people – truckers and nurses – came over and washed off some of the blood from our minor cuts.  Shark’s were the worst because he had been holding the steering wheel and the windshield had come all the way in and hit the steering wheel where his hands were.

When the cops got there the head Highway Patrol guy went into Matlock mode.  He saw a single-vehicle accident and Shark’s enormous beard and immediately decided that we were all super stoned and/or smuggling tons of dope.  He started doing the flashlight in the eyes thing on Shark and telling him that he could tell if he had been smoking marijuana, so had he been smoking marijuana?  Well, he hadn’t, which didn’t stop the officer from stating that Shark smelled like marijuana and that it smelled like a lot of marijuana over by the car.  Ridiculous.  I guess since all they need if they want to search someone is probable cause, and “smelling marijuana” counts as probable cause, they just say it no matter what.  Anyway, that was funny, and it was also funny when he gave Shark the breathalizer and it makes the noise of one of those little circus kazoo things.  I chuckled.

After we had been walking around for 15 minutes or so, Shark had the quality idea of making sure an ambulance was coming, because you never know how much of your good feeling is just adrenaline.  So they strapped us down to backboards and put us in ambulances – Shark and I in one, Linda and Patsy in the other.  Those backboards are really dumb.  They strap your head to this hard, flat board so that the pointy part on the back of your skull is smashed into the hard plastic.  Then they leave you on it for like an hour.  Patsy had been hit on the back of the head with one of the liquor bottles from behind the back seat, and she had a bump on her head right there, and they still just left her strapped to the board forever.  Other than that everyone was really nice and we were all just stoked that we were all alive and unhurt and shit.  It was all good until the police man came in and gave me my wallet.  On his way out he was like “Oh, who rented the car?”  I was like “I did.”  He’s all “well I hope Mark was a registered driver.”  …….  Uh, yeah, that would have been nice.  So we may have a brand new PT Cruiser on our hands.  We’ll keep you posted.  Does anyone know how to bang out dents?

A nurse drove us to a motel where we slept till 8 when Reid called on the room phone.  He had driven down from Redding that morning, found that all our phones were off, and tracked us down like Columbo.  After that it was smooth sailing to Shasta.

Posted by Hip E.  8/10/2005  3:17pm

2005 Shasta Rankings

These rankings are a function of four factors: (1) practical utility to the trip, (2) activeness (including physical presence and not falling asleep during peak hours), (3) humor, (4) affability/gregariousness.  Also, I have left myself off this list for reasons that are obvious.  I had a great time in Shasta with all 1-25.  I could have stayed on the boat for another three days.  But, then again, the food was getting a bit gamey.

1. Pliska (visibly drunk for entire trip)
2. Baldwin (drove boat; no naps)
3. Budders
4. Walloch (got touch)
5. Hip E (took naps, slept inside; gained humor points by loosing camera again)
6. Wilson (handlebar mustache; drove boat)
7. Brittany Williams E (practical utility through the roof)
8. Peetomb
9. Amy
10. Stevens
11. Jamie (gave touch)
12. Reid (fetched several important items of floatation, including Shark and Hip E)
13. Brooke
14. Ben
15. Carrie
15. Patsy
17. Thrill
18. Inga (took several siestas)
19. Fritz
20. Courtney
21. Laura Lee
22. Johnny D
23. Wej (barfed)
24. PETE (two hours of sleeping during peak hours after arriving late; slept in my sleeping bag)

Posted by Shark 8/11/05 12:02pm

Posted by Hip E.  8/8/2005  3:55pm

Everyone’s Okay

Last night on the way up to Shasta, Hip E., shArk, Linda, and Patsy were in a car accident. I’ve been away from my phone all day but from what I understand, shArk was driving and “Crash” by Dave Matthews Band came on the radio, which caused shArk to become so enraged that he lost control of the rental car and served off the road.

However, I have been informed that everyone is okay, and all escaped with minor cuts and bruises if that. I would say thank God but I’m pretty sure he was busy helping the Giants beat the Rockies, so instead I will thank the makers of the Dodge Neon P.T. Cruiser for constructing such a safe and sturdy vehicle.

All parties are now safely aboard a houseboat, drinking cold brews in the hot, hot sun with little regard for the dangers of dehydration and heat stroke! Shark is most likely naked. Reid might also be naked. Hip E. is likely not naked, but he IS being harassed by naked Shark. So it goes.

Shasta for me in 16 hours.

Posted by PETE 2005-08-05 16:30:37

I’m Back

After a 3 month hiatus from writing anything for the Phat Phree, I finally submitted something. It’s kind of tiring having to write stuff for them. The formula seems to be the more you swear, the more hilarious people think you are. There are actually people in the comments section who sing the praises of the Jerky Boys. Remember them? Yeah, so that sucks. Anyways, check it out here. Don’t forget to rate the article. I’m not going to ask you to rate it a five but if you want to… you know, that’s cool too.

Posted by PETE 2005-08-05 16:10:20

If you thought World’s Strongest Man was great!

Check THIS out! New to DVD!

A test of will and power. A mark of manhood. For hundreds of years, stones have been a crucible of change from boy to man.

No one knows this better than poet, philosopher, and strongman Steve “Inver Stone” Jeck, who has infused, dare we say, thousands with his passion for lifting stones through his book (with Peter Martin) Of Stones and Strength, his tapes and DVDs, and his poems and essays in MILO.

Steve confronts a new challenge in Kviahellan: The Pen Slab, that of lifting the original 418-lb. Husafell Stone in Iceland and carrying it around the goat pen, to achieve “fullsterkur” (full-strong) status. You will see Steve first prepare himself for this monumental feat, physically, mentally, and spiritually, through his workouts and his strongman shows. Then you board the plane with Steve for the remote, windswept fields of Iceland wherein sits the Husafell Stone, still guarding the goat pen built by pastor Snorri Bjornsson over two hundred years go.

Does Steve lift the Husafell Stone? Can he make it all the way around the goat pen? We won’t ruin the surprise, but as with all things, the growth, the change, the transformation come from the journey itself, not the destination. Be captivated, be inspired, and be humbled as you travel with Steve and find yourself in new place when it’s all over.

To be fair I did find this in Ironmind, which is a catalog for strength athletes who eschew the normal running and free weights path to fitness, chosing instead to bend nails, pull trucks, and other crazy shit but still… I just want to be clear that the climax of this film is a guy trying to pick up a rock… BUT THAT’S NOT ALL. After picking up the rock he will then attempt to carry the rock. Paging Jerry Bruckheimer!

Wow. Only $36.00 plus S&H.

Posted by PETE 2005-08-04 18:44:34

What do you look for in a stoner?

Proving once again that there is an internet dating service for everyone, I present for the pothead who wants to ensure right off the bat that his girlfriend never, ever harshes his buzz.

Also, upon further reivew, this is perhaps the ugliest collection of people I have ever seen. All the hot addicts must be over at

Posted by PETE 2005-08-04 18:20:33

In Defense of M*A*S*H #2 (Suicide Is Painless)

M*A*S*H’s director Robert Altman is known for his musical invocations.  His use of Leonard Cohen’s “The Stranger” to begin McCabe and Ms. Miller reveals his skill for choosing music that hangs like a fog over the landscape of his films.  Similarly, using the obscure “Suicide Is Painless”during the opening credits of M*A*S*H points that film in the direction of perfection right from the start. 

Contrary to the beliefs of those who upload the song to file sharing networks, “Suicide Is Painless” was not written by the Manic Street Preachers (nice try though).  It was actually written by Altman’s son’s band.  As such, it has an organic feel – its lyrics move independent of any preconceived musical tenor, ingenuously following the thoughts of what seems to be a depressed teen.  “The game of life is hard to play / gonna loose it anyway / the loosing hand I’ll someday lay / so this is all I have to say.”  At its most fundamental, the song evokes utter loneliness.  As it plays, we see groups of medical soldiers carrying wounded soldiers from incoming helicopters.  The camera avoids focusing in on any one of them.  They appear as ants, coldy and dutifully carrying their wounded compatriats back to the nest.  Before the movies seeks to find answers to this loneliness, it must first draw the veil of despair over the setting.  With this pitch-perfect opening scene, Altman succeeds in doing this with one stroke of the directorial brush.

Beyond their loneliness, the lyrics of “Suicide Is Painless” are starkly frank.  “Suicide is painless / it brings on many changes / and I can take or leave it if you please.”   For the adapted television series, the song is stripped of its lyrics.  Only the haunting melody and the viewer’s memory of the accompanying words remained.  Yet, still, every time that intro comes on, I can’t help but be brought back to the wonderfully bleak mise-en-scene of the movie’s opening scene.  And rightfully so because the show’s gags and barbs always work better against the desperate background of war and tragedy. 

I should also note that, recently, the battle over the validity of M*A*S*H that has raged for years at the Jo-tel has shifted decidedly in the favor of M*A*S*H.   With Maupow’s defection to the M*A*S*H camp and with Hippie’s admission that he has never actually watched a M*A*S*H episode but just thinks that the opening song is depressing [FN1] and changes the channel whenever it comes on, both the numbers and the credibility of the anti-M*A*S*Hites has waned.  Unless already-recorded M*A*S*H episodes start to suck in the next few years, it looks like M*A*S*H is here to stay. 

FN1: this same “depressing” logic leads Hip E to conclude that downtrodden artists like James Taylor are bad.  James Taylor is really good.   

Posted by Shark 8/5/05 10:02am (Shasta here we come) 

Testing Your Lateral Thinking IQ

by Paul Sloane


1.8  The Unkind Cut

A man deliberately cut off some of his fingers and one of his ears.  Why?

Go ahead and think about it for a little while.  This is just chapter one, so if you can tie your own shoes, you should probably be able to get this one.

Getting warmer…  OK, now chapter one is called “Testing Assumptions”, so make sure you test all your assumptions and be sure to ‘think outside of the box’, for maximum lateral thinking efficiency on this one. 

Still don’t have it?  And yet, you seem to be able to read these words and operate a computer.  Fascinating!  In the words of “international superstar” Janice Dickinson, “RAINMAN!!!”  OK, well, you give up, so I’ll just tell you.  Man, you’re going to kick yourself when you see the answer. 

1.8  The Unkind Cut

The man was imprisoned in the notorious Devil’s Island penal colony.  Over a period of months he cut off fingers and an ear and he feigned numbness in a leg in order to pretend that he had leprosy.  He was then transferred to a different island which held only lepers.  It was much easier to escape from this island and he duly made his getaway and reached Brazil.  Unfortunately (for this is a true story) he wsa subsequently found to have developed leprosy.

God you guys are dumb.

Posted by Hip E.  8/2/2005

I Pee Sitting Down Now

I pee sitting down now.  Well, not all the time.  But a lot.  And obviously I don’t sit down in the urinal.  But during most standard household pees, I sit down now. 

I used to be just like you.  Peeing standing up.  Laughing when Hip E would tell stories about how Dan E sat down whenever he peed at night.  Would you believe me if I told you that I now believe to a near-metaphysical certaintly that the seated pee is superior in every way to the upright pee?  As a result of my bold experimentation and fearless gender-bending research, I’ve removed the veil from my eyes.  Before one learns to stand, one must first learn to sit. 

Posted by Shark 8/1/05 10:25pm

Nickname Raphael: A Jo-Tel contest

Jouseguest Raphael wants a new nickname. He’s unofficially been “Little Mex” for years but no one really ever calls him that. Here are some helpful facts about him to aid you in your nicknaming:

  • He likes pork rinds

Here are a couple of pictures of him. Comment away.

White Sox Ace, Freddie Garcia

Mark Anthony, J-Lo's man

The guy extending his middle finger in the backgroud of the first picture is roomate Reid. He needs a nickname too actually. These two pictures were taken at our party, which I still haven’t posted about as is my habit. However, I missed a doctor’s appointment this morning because I was uploading pictures to photobucket (instead of the usual 0 pictures, this time we took about 350. So what that 337 feature at least one member of Will’s kickball team. They’re very photogenic!) and I do plan on posting about it. I’ll also have pictures of my birthday party from Beauty Bar, which was fun and thanks to everyone who came.

Posted by PETE 2005-08-01 19:14:14

Halitosis: Argument Winning 101

Raphael and I were discussing this the other day. If you want to shut someone down in an argument or while trading insults, the simplest and most effective way is to inform your opponent that his or her breath is unpleasant or, if you prefer, “stank” (on a sidenote, is “stank” the only past tense verb that has become a present tense verb AND an adjective as well? Because that’s kind of cool). It really is a sure-fire winner. And as a bonus it doesn’t even have to be true! People are always self-conscious about their breath. Watch this:

Hey Shark, your breath smells like a piece of shit died in your throat.

Now I haven’t even seen Shark for 3 months, but right now he’s thinking that there’s at least a small percent chance that this is true. Why did I single him out for the example, he might think? Why not Johnny D or Thrill? Well Shark, because Thrill and Johnny D’s breath doesn’t smell like pile of rotten fish got too close to a pissed off skunk. And thusly the noose tightens. If they try to change the subject, just bring it back to their breath.

It’s so versatile because it can be used to counter any insult. Observe:

Person 1: Oh yeah? Well your mom is a stupid whore and your sister learned from the best!

Person 2: I just learned that you have stank ass breath.

Person 1: Really? (oh shit) [Person 2 unsuccessfully tries to direct his breath towards his nose by cupping his hand over his mouth] Do you have an Altoid or something?

Person 2: Damn! Stop breathin’ on me before I charge you to have this shirt dry cleaned!

Winner: Person 2

It really IS that easy. So the next time someone is giving you shit about something, dispense with the fat jokes, or the ones about their dad’s alcoholism and go straight for the breath. You can thank me later.

Posted by PETE2005-08-01 18:47:10

More hot shit


Thrill [] –
9/1/05 1:00 PM

Magda, why do you feel deceived?  Did Hip E. lie to you and say he never dreamed about being shot out of a cave at the end of a dream?

Kyle [] –
8/31/05 6:43 PM

I am so proud of you, PETE, for discovering the wonders of a rosé called Bandol.  Try other Bandols if you get a chance.  There is NOTHING better on a hot day.  Except maybe beer.  Oh well, that was fun while it lasted.

Stickler [] –
8/31/05 2:57 PM

To the tune of Happy birthday:

Happy Birthday Jo-Tel

Happy Birthday Jo-Tel
I cleaned puke in your hallway,
But you still smell like ass.
And Many More. 

PETE [] –
8/31/05 1:09 PM

I read the liner notes to the new Kelly Clarkson album. Very good. I especially like the part where she thanks God… Very Toni Morrison.

Magda [] –
8/31/05 12:13 PM

I feel so deceived.

Thrill [] –
8/30/05 9:17 PM

True: I’ve never read ‘Tender Is the Night’.  But then you’ve never read ‘The Beautiful and Damned’.  Edge: Thrill.

Also: no, there was no good joke in that Scoli-whoa-sis crack.

PETE [] –
8/30/05 12:07 PM

Oh! Gabe you’re funny today!

I’ll send your shoes. Sorry. We’ve been using the left one to prop our window open while we smoke cigarettes.

Hip –
8/30/05 11:11 AM

Ha!  Last night Thrill told us that he’s never read Tender is the Night.  Thrill you might want to get that posture looked at..  I think you might have Scoli-whoa-sis.  Damn it.  I know there’s a good joke in there somewhere.

Gabbeh [] –
8/29/05 10:48 PM

Hip, that’s a pretty cool dream.  It sounds like a mix between you longing to be a Pipe Stress Engineer once again in your life as well as your unbridled anticipation for Fox’s hot new thriller “Prison Break”  

Hip E. [] –
8/29/05 3:54 PM

linda [] –
8/29/05 3:06 PM

But Hip E, what if you love OIL?

Hip –
8/29/05 2:09 PM

Yeah, Tender is the Night is extremely good.  I love books where the characters are extremely realistic.  And when an author has characters that are eccentric, extraordinary, or just find themselves in extreme, unique, impossible situations, and they still are able to retain that clear, easy realism, then that’s a lot of commas.  It reminds me of For Whom The Bell Tolls in that sense.  But For Whom The Bell Tolls still takes the cake because it deals with war, which is the flip side of love.

PETE [] –
8/29/05 12:31 PM

I read US Weekly…

Schmegda/Magda [] –
8/28/05 2:30 PM

I read The Beautiful and the Damned a couple months ago, and while I will agree that it is quite good, I personally prefer Tender is the Night.  Might be because I’m a girl.  A book that can make you hate its protagonists is impressive indeed, but I prefer not to hate my protagonists.  No accounting for tastes, I guess.

Thrill [] –
8/28/05 5:24 AM

Shmegda/Magda, if you think ‘Tender Is The Night’ is good (and it is – very, very good), then you shuld read ‘The Beautiful And Damned’. That book makes ‘Gatsby’ (which is one of my favorites) look like my 7th Grade research paper on Swatch watches.

J-Dub [] –
8/27/05 12:12 AM

Hey PETE, without American TV, I have been reading loads and came accross a book review in the Economist and thought you might like.

It combines two of your favorite things: sex and word origins… Drum roll…

It’s a book called “Dirty Words: The Story of Sex Talk,” by Mark Morton. Yes, it chronicles the history of dirty words. Never read it myself, but has interesting things like,

“…Technology has left its mark too: in the 1970s, some prostitutes used 78 as slang for a client whose efforts were shortlived – a reference to the faster speed and shorter playtime of those records…”

See ya.

Schmegda [] –
8/26/05 11:25 AM

Hip E. -

I’m not going to address the more delicate parts of your latest post, but I’m also (re)reading Tender is the Night.  I really don’t see why people alwasy bring up Gatsby when talking about Fitzgerald, because Tender is the Night blows it the fuck out of the water.

baldwin [] –
8/26/05 10:22 AM


Nerd here, coming at you from ptown.

Prefrences > Audio > set crossfade playback to the highest number (should be 12 seconds or so) > OK

Done and done. I’m out.

Thrill [] –
8/25/05 11:53 AM

You think you’re so smart, don’t you, PETE?  With your dago moustache, and your greasy hair!

Hip –
8/25/05 11:28 AM

Kyle!  Zing!  (I was going to say “Rimshot!” but I decided against it!)

Gabbeh [] –
8/22/05 10:39 PM

Nice list, Shark.  I can’t believe I actually understood everything written in your post–law school has warped my mind.  For a Q&A-formatted explanation of PENNOYER v. NEFF, see:

Thrill [] –
8/22/05 7:10 PM

shArk, is it Tompkins or Thompkins?  Make up your mind. 

Linda [] –
8/22/05 3:23 PM

Hmmm, Kindnapped.  You make it sound tempting.

Reid [] –
8/22/05 2:38 PM

that was supposed to read SUE Hip-E

Reid [] –
8/22/05 2:37 PM

Shark…would it be possible to somehow sure Hip-E into getting a job?  You know since you are the jewish lawyer and everything, you’ve gotta know something.  Perhaps if we kindnapped Linda he might make a resume….and I do repeat might.

Stickler [] –
8/22/05 2:15 PM

I just remembered why I hate lawyers.  

Pliska in Portland [] –
8/22/05 1:21 PM

Nice list Shark.  I would challenge any Jo-tel reader to dissect and explain Pennoyer v. Neff.  But Pierson v. Post should be #1, with its pure comedic value of the decision’s language pushing it over the top.  Its utter disdain for the fox (”noxious beasts”) and the location of the kill (”a barren and desolate wasteland, otherwise known as…….the beach”.  It seriously says that.) are pure genius.

linda [] –
8/18/05 11:55 AM

I got five on it
Grab your 40 let’s get keyed
I got five on it
Fuckin with that Indo weed

Stickler [] –
8/18/05 12:11 AM

Pete I got an idea.  You should call this guy Steve out, get him into a big open forum where you are face to face to with him.  As he begins to talk you use the breath smells technique, it may shut him up once and for all.

Johnny D. [] –
8/11/05 5:53 PM

Come on shark, wash the salt out of your beard.  I get no love for waking up at 3:00 in the morning to drive Pete and Will, getting thrashed in the face by an angry man bearing a brittle lever, and sleeping in a tire?

Britt n E [] –
8/11/05 4:52 PM

Shasta pics back-shata pics fairly fabulous.

PETE [] –
8/10/05 9:16 PM

Let Loose the Cameras!

britt [] –
8/10/05 4:52 PM

so answer me this blog folk…why is it that anytime I post it goes up twice? I mean I talk alot in real life but it always makes me feel  like some sort of ultra-concerned my point gets across kind of freak.


PETE [] –
8/10/05 4:39 PM

If getting refried beans smeared on your nipples doesn’t pull you out of the gutter, then what will?

Hip E. [] –
8/10/05 4:37 PM

Number of times Hip E. has said “Me and ___” when it should have been “___ and I”:  15,388

Number of times Shark has done spelt “lose” as “loose”:  15,429

baldwin [] –
8/10/05 3:45 PM

i’m SOOO demanding a contract extension based on these rankings! Fair market value! This has GOT to deserve a place at Oasis Island, at least. Just think of me as Pippen to Pliska’s Jordan. 

Shark –
8/10/05 2:26 PM

Holly = Brooke.  My bad. 

Pliska in Portland [] –
8/10/05 2:03 PM

Oh wait, I know who that is.  She is the angel-voice one.

Pliska in Portland [] –
8/10/05 2:02 PM

Although I do think these rankings deserve more in-depth explanation.  Like, who the hell is Holly?

Pliska in Portland [] –
8/10/05 1:58 PM

Woooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  STARTING DEFENSE!!!!!!  PLACE AT THE TABLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Britt [] –
8/10/05 11:33 AM

where are these rankings? The suspense is unbearable!

Shark [] –
8/9/05 11:34 AM

Shasta rankings will be released tomorrow. 

baldwin [] –
8/9/05 10:37 AM

…and your frisbee. we have that too. but don’t hold your breath to get that back Hip, because as soon as walloch reads this post i’ll bet that he’s stolen it from us and broken it into tiny shards of plastic. 

britt [] –
8/8/05 6:52 PM

Poland I have your shirt. Thought it was Pliskas but I see from the photo that I was wrong. I can mail it or bring it to you when we cruise your way in Oct.

Thrill [] –
8/8/05 2:03 PM

That’s mighty vitriolic of you shArk, but then you were just IN A SERIOUS CAR ACCIDENT!!!!  (inside joke; sorry, non-Shasta people)

God [] –
8/8/05 9:55 AM

I think PETE’s bad.  Agree to disagree.

Thrill [] –
8/4/05 7:34 PM

PETE, everything’s still there on my Web browser, so I think you’re good.

Thrill [] –
8/4/05 4:57 PM

Maupow … so poetic when you’re drunk in Nowheresville.  Glad to see you’re on board with the movie, but I think you should really give the TV show another look. 

linda [] –
8/4/05 2:48 PM

In the interest of full disclosure, I’m not sure I’ve watched a full episode either.   As a child of the ’80s, I had the same visceral “nooooo” response to the M*A*S*H theme song as I did to the evening news, because they were on around the same time.


linda [] –
8/4/05 2:40 PM

Thank you, Shark. 

James Tayor IS great, and when I suggested he’d give an even greater show at The Greek in August Hip E turned up his nose at me.

Thrill [] –
8/4/05 2:38 PM

shArk, as usual you come through with an unassailably good argument for why M*A*S*H is such a great film and show.  Testify, brother!

RB [] –
8/4/05 2:26 PM

What the hell is going on, Hip?! You’ve never watched M*A*S*H*??

Shark [] –
8/4/05 11:09 AM

Corgan is an egomaniacal weirdo. Despite this, his album has received luke-warm reviews.

baldwin [] –
8/3/05 5:34 PM

any of you guys heard billy corgan’s new album? i haven’t heard anything about it…of course, i’d rather ask syou guys than take the time to look it up somewhere myself.

RB [] –
8/2/05 11:53 PM

Hip, I can’t remember where we’re supposed to be emailing you now that you’re through with work.  Need to ask you about some things…

PETE [] –
8/2/05 5:50 PM

I was serious. I don’t care that they’re in so many pictures.

You should probably do something about your dragon breath though. (OOOH! SNAP-a-DAP!)

Bwilliamse [] –
8/2/05 5:28 PM

So true on the breath comment. I have been using this technique since I was a wee 4 year old. In pre-school, a particulary awful teacher who not only rocked the stankest breath but also had many hairs curling out of her chinny-chin-chin was scolding me. I said “stop just stop your breath is making me gag” As she looked at me in horror called me a lying brat and continued to rage, I puked all over her shoes. True story, ask my mom!

Hip E. [] –
8/2/05 2:28 PM

Bman –

Thanks for the kind words.  However, after one and a half days of unemployment, I have to say that being unemployed is also pretty chill.  Right now I’m drinking a beer, listening to Cee-Lo, and about to post about Testing Your Lateral Thinking IQ.  Then I’m going to institute Step One of my “Get A Job Plan”:  Clean my room.  But I’ll definitely let you know if I’m going to be heading out to your neighborhood.  Mike French says Frederick is for people escaping Baltimore and D.C., and maybe some hardcore long-distance commuters. 

Bman [] –
8/2/05 1:17 PM

Dudes, lets see some pics from the party. Hip-E, I recommend a move to Maryland.  East coast is good times.  Plus, having a job is pretty chill.

Pliska in Portland [] –
8/2/05 11:00 AM

I pee sitting down like twice a week.  But those are on the days I’m hungover, when I actually wake up having to pee at like 6am but I am too tired or still drunk to get up so I just power through it, so when I actually do wake up the dam is about to burst.  Knowing this, and being really groggy and not wanting to stand in the same position for 3 minutes, its much easier just to sit down.  And hey, there is always the added bonus that the body will take this as poopin’ time and let that door open too.  

Nicknames-Mardi, Donatello, RaphIAtealltheporkrinds, Raphpunzel.

PETE [] –
8/2/05 2:21 AM

Shark you pee sitting down now eh? That’s cool. Have you started using toilet paper yet?

PETE [] –
8/2/05 2:16 AM

Becky B, as I type this there are no dishes in the sink and that’s how it’s going to stay. A pizza box on the stove? Yeah. 15 beer bottles in the laundry sink because the recycling hasn’t been taken out? Check. Do the stairs still smell like puke? Yeah. You get the idea.

RB [] –
8/2/05 12:38 AM

Also, you didn’t really implement a “no dishes in the sink” rule, did you Jo-tel? Because that’s awful! I would not be able to live under that sort of oppression.

I am not being in the least bit sarcastic.

RB [] –
8/2/05 12:33 AM

I dated a guy who always peed sitting down, but I’m pretty sure he was gay.

Load [] –
8/1/05 11:23 PM

Nickname ideas:  Grease, Trishelle,  Porkspray, or Piglet.


/Apologies, I just thought Porkspray was funny in itself.

gafferland –
8/1/05 9:12 PM

Hey! August! And just when the gay pron discussion on the other page was getting good.

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