THE JO-TEL … illegal blog downfield

I am a lawyer. Sometimes I am annoying. I tell white lies to people like my mom. I am argumentative and frequently cranky. However, one good thing about me is that I can pick up on people’s foibles. Having worked with lots of lawyers, I’ve got me a little list of a few problems that I have with lawyers.

They are stupid.
For example, they don’t know how to turn the ringer off on their cell phones before a deposition. I mean, seriously, I had to show a lawyer how to turn off his ringer. Never mind connecting their laptops to a wireless internet connection. Don’t be fooled, the bar is not difficult to pass.

They have bland senses of humor.
Legal humor. Ugh. “I told Jim that, if he thinks we’re going to defend and indemnify him he’s crazy.” “Jim? Jim Merril?” “No Jim O’Hara over there are Fidor & Carter with Bob Haskins.” “Bob Haskins! Is the bar still letting him practice?” “Last time I checked!” Or: [attorney goes to inbox to retrieve new bar card, turns to associate passing by] “Well, Tom, looks like I’ve fooled them again.” As a result, lawyers like movies like Sweet Home Alabama. No kidding. I once had a judge tell me that Reese Witherspoon was hilarious in Sweet Home Alabama. To my face! (You thought I was kidding didn’t you.)

They are argumentative.
Lawyers will often be very friendly on the surface. But if you ever imply that they’ve missed something or that their intelligence is lacking, you become the singular object of their new pitched battle: you v. the supremacy of their intellect. If you are interested in negotiating with a lawyer, do not make them feel dumb. UNLESS: you can make them feel so dumb that think “oh crap, get me out of this case, and lemme just check my malpractice insurance real quick here… okay, everything things to be in order… good. Now get me out of this case.” I’m not a good enough lawyer to make this happen– so I’ll just opt for being real deferential like.

They are obsessed with details.
Everything’s gotta be perfect with these lawyers. Tiny little details of phrasing are toiled over, but it also seems like, after the fact, the key terms always end up being vague. What does “arising out of the Action” mean anyway? I don’t know but my client’s signature block sure looks pretty.

They want to do a good job.
Annoying, obviously.

They have never heard of Arthur Russell’s World of Echo.
I’d be willing wager that I’m the only licensed attorney in California that has heard of Arthur Russell’s World of Echo. Well, maybe I wouldn’t bet the blog on that. How about: I’m the only lawyer in California that has listened to and enjoyed World of Echo. Man, I am awesome.

The point is, lawyers strongly tend to not deviate from the median tastes of the masses. They like professional sports, bad movies, and going to the mall. They like nice cars and think that houses should be “owned” and “look nice”. And by “look nice”, I mean, “look somewhat off-white with a nice leather couch and some matching throw pillows”. And man do they love those vintage European alcohol posters. Oh man. They like those more than being stupid!

They stay well-groomed all the time.
I’m more just jealous about this than anything. Plus: the world needs ditch-diggers too.

[most lawyers would not click the link to read more]

They like having families.
Let’s face it, only dumb people have kids. Lawyers are dumb. Therefore, they like to have kids. What’s worse is that their kids will naturally rebel against them and, thereby, by dint of negative freedom, be cool and funny and probably like good music like Arthur Russell and then one day they will go to their lawyer-parent and ask “Hey. You grew up in the late 80s. Were you into Arthur Russell?” and the dad will say, “wait who’s that, was that the keyboardist for Hall & Oates?”

-Shark